Thank you for writing me, Helcat. I feel like on some level punishing myself is what I deserve. I label myself as a sexual abuser, a rapist, someone who sexually assaulted another human being. The people in my life tell me it is not so but in my mind, that is how I feel about myself. Being in the skin of someone such as that is utterly repulsive to me. There is some part of me that wishes me to suffer. I think this part of me wishes this because it is so very disappointed in me and wants to keep me from ever making the same mistakes again.

I know for a fact this would never happen again as I have trained myself to take rejection less personally and to surround myself with people who are generally emotionally aware and communicative. I try to create a safe space for the people around me in my own way and I take care in making sure people understand they are not responsible for my emotions nor do they need to fix me. I try to communicate what I need and want. Rather than assuming what people want, I ask them beforehand and make sure they’re absolutely comfortable. I watch for their facial expressions just to make sure they’re okay with me reaching out to them.

This relationship has scared me off of being in a relationship with someone again. I do not feel comfortable being a sexual being. I feel unclean. I am deathly afraid of hurting someone, not that I think I would intentionally do so, just that the potential is inherent.

I would most likely not condemn my friend. I would feel compassion for them and try to be there for them. I’d probably think the fact that they care so much is indicative of a good heart, not that of one who abuses others.

When I condemn myself, I’m thinking about the people in the world who would condemn me and label me as a sexual assaulter, an abuser, a rapist. I punish myself before those who do not understand my story do.

I agree with you in that I tend to blame and criticize myself heavily when things go wrong. I do want to overcome my self-criticism and learn to see the situation with more grace for myself. Much as I feel like a villain and as though everything was my fault, the relationship was not good for either of us. Abusing myself is painful. In the past few days, I have even felt close to death from the shame I’m carrying.