Before this relationship, I often felt a sense of defectiveness about my insides. I believed I was unlovable. I would criticize myself for making the tiniest mistake or for not living up to my standards of performance. I also criticized myself for having feelings, wants, and needs in the first place. I thought that they didn’t matter and that by expressing them, I ran the risk of being abandoned. To this day, I internalize what others say of me and struggle to be on my own side. I have a difficult time believing I have ‘goodness’ in me. Part of why I attached so much to this first relationship was because I thought this would be my only chance, that no-one else would want to be with me, and that my ex was the only person who saw any good in me.

I wasn’t taught about consent, no. I don’t think either of us were. One class in middle-school or high-school is not enough to cover the nuance of a relationship. That one class doesn’t talk about boundaries and healthy relationships, it doesn’t make it real. We both walked into the scenario blind and without experience and healthy modeling. I was raised with the stereotype that ‘all men want sex 24/7’. I now know this is false and that rejection isn’t always personal. And if it is, so what? There are many people in the world to have relationships with anyways.

In my home-life, I wasn’t encouraged to have boundaries and was often denied them in the first place, particularly if I was expressing a negative emotion about it.

The thing is, when I would initiate, they seemed more than happy to receive what I gave. I couldn’t tell by their facial expressions that they were feeling pressured. And they did not express a desire to stop. Now I know to ask beforehand in all things to ensure everything is okay.

I have been with a partner I wasn’t feeling great about being with. The pressure I felt I likely put on myself but when it came to having these conversations about how to rebuild intimacy and make us both feel comfortable between my ex and I, I perceived myself to be doing a bulk of the work with less attention centered on myself and my needs. I tried to make them feel comfortable saying no but I did not yet feel comfortable saying no. I hadn’t said no ever and also needed reassurance. Once we had the talk about how they were feeling, I pushed my needs and wants entirely to the side. By this point, intimacy was beginning to feel disgusting to me. I felt sick with their overtures in some part although I did consent to it. I didn’t communicate this yet again for fear expressing myself would make them upset or that they’d leave me/our relationship would fail entirely. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded had I said no. I wanted to make them feel nice and this was one of the remaining ways I had to feel close to them so I did it anyways.