Thank you Roberta,

I don’t think my partner was intentionally hurtful. They were similarly inexperienced and did not have healthy models of relationships either. There are times now that I question if I was treated badly because many of our miscommunications turned into me having misunderstood something and it being a problem of my issues with anxiety. I would talk about something that hurt me and my ex-partner would want me to repeat what was said word-for-word and have the exact date of it being said. This caused anxiety in me and I’d often come to the conclusion that I was making a big deal out of nothing and misunderstanding them. This happened often enough it became more difficult to speak up. They explained themselves well enough I couldn’t stand my ground. They expressed irritation with me for needing constant reassurance saying, ‘Why do I need to keep reassuring you?’

I did try to express how I was feeling about our sex-life outside of sexual encounters and now I simply think we were incompatible with one another. They told me they didn’t initiate because I initiated so much that they ‘were all full’ (on physical touch) but I mainly initiated as much as I did because 1) it was reassured me they wanted to be with me and 2) our sex-life was unsatisfying for me as intimacy was usually done when they were ‘finished’.

It’s hard to tell what parts were my anxiety and what parts were reasonable. It’s hard for me to trust my own perceptions already. Even as I write these words, there’s a feeling in me saying ‘You’re just trying to make yourself out to be a victim.’

After our relationship, I was left with the feeling that ‘everything was my fault’. I said this to them once and they said, ‘I wouldn’t use those words.’ I feel like it implies they thought so too, though. Unfortunately I cannot remember all of the details nor everything that was said and done. I suspect it’s because of an issue with my brain that I struggle to remember things.

My ex and I still communicate to this day but I am constantly afraid they’re going to change their mind about me. In our communications, I feel afraid and as though continuing to speak to them will ensure that they don’t think of me as a bad person. I worry if I say something wrong in my interactions with them, they’ll be upset with me and decide I’m not a good person after all.