Helcat,

I did confide my past with them. As they started picking out my poor behaviors, they mentioned I would over-explain and talk about where that response came from (i.e. abuse) in a way that came off as an excuse. I’ve since practiced taking more accountability for myself.

At the time, our relationship was one of the biggest outlets I had for talking about my childhood. I had only just left that home and I think was healing from it. I’d forget I said something about my history and repeat it. One time they said in an irritated tone, ‘You already said that.’

As Anita said, my feelings were not their responsibility but I often times put my feelings on them because I did not know how to deal with them. I’d feel very anxious when we were apart and ask them to come over. As soon as they’d open the door, I’d fall apart. I’d tell them my feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment. They’d reassure me many times. As Anita said, this can be distressing for any partner to continually deal with without seeming accountability and responsibility on the end of the person with overactive anxiety. My ex partner was big on this. They continually tried to teach me about healthy relationships, boundaries, and accountability. They told me my feelings and problems are my responsibility and their feelings and problems were their responsibility. I agree with this generally, but looking back, something about it feels off.

Once I shared my experience of anxiety on an online forum my ex had access to and they used it against me saying, ‘It’s like you only treat me well when you feel like it.’

After we’d had our big conversation where they admitted to being close to breaking up with me and expressed that they had been feeling pressured by my reactions, we had a discussion in which they told me their only issues were communication and enabling me. Everything else wrong in our relationship was an issue with me, they implied.

I think why they said they had been surprised I was receptive because at other times when they expressed an unrelated issue, I would feel anxious that they were upset with me and they’d turn to reassuring me. I cannot remember this well but considering my anxiety at the time, I cannot rule it out. I think they were implying not good things about me, too. It is painful because they said ‘everything in our relationship felt bad to them. the entire relationship is bad’ but they didn’t break up with me because they thought I was a great person.

Regardless of whether they felt bad more recently or chose not to say anything in the first place, I still feel sick with myself because I must’ve created an environment where they didn’t feel like they could say anything. I don’t understand how they could see me as a good person yet see so much wrong in me, the relationship, and even think that I wouldn’t care about how they felt in our intimate life. Yet I still feel like whether or not they see good in me is life-or-death.