Helcat,

Thank you for your heartfelt words and for showing that kind of care for me. I am not sure about my ex-partner. It felt like they were constantly frustrated with me and on the verge of breaking up with me yet I also remember them as someone who thought I was attractive, nice, funny, etc. I remember them as someone I felt love for and had fun with.

An important detail I failed to mention is it is possible my ex-partner has Asperger’s. At the time of us dating, they were undiagnosed but a year ago, they told me they were going in to get tested. Considering this and their home life (parents were dysfunctional and emotionally stunted), it makes sense to me that they would have less of a threshold for stress and conflict in the relationship. What’s more, they were struggling with their mental health before we entered into a relationship. They had depression and suicidal ideation, even emotional numbness. They told me that their mental health was more important than the relationship and that they’d have to break up with me at any point if the relationship was becoming unsustainable for them. For an anxious attachment, statements like these sent me into a sort of overdrive.

However, this could explain their blunt and critical way of expressing themselves to me.

They would tell me it takes time to undo maladaptive behaviors we’ve learned and that what I said about my home-life made sense in connection to my behaviors but later on, they told me, ‘You keep saying you’re trying but nothing’s changing!’ I think they were trying to teach me what they had learned in therapy yet their words and actions were inconsistent as they stressed that I deal with these things on my own and clearly were unhappy in the relationship.

Their emotional meltdowns make sense within the context of an Asperger’s diagnosis as well.

I don’t feel I can blame them for anything considering their issues were undiagnosed and they did seem as though they were overextending themselves just to help me feel more secure, even to their own detriment.

They once said their greatest fear was hurting the people they loved and they were even sensitive to killing video-game NPC’s.

I was not an angel either, clearly, I did not always express myself well and I very much regret the way I handled myself and my emotions.