Dear Eric:

You have no problems communicating with people in these online forums, by typing words, sentences and paragraphs into the computer screen, receiving a typed reply and having all the time in the world between reading a member’s reply and submitting your next post, all the time that you need to read and understand the reply you receive, and to form a response.

Every time you started a thread on your various accounts, you initiated a conversation with members. When members replied to you, you responded to what the member said, answering questions and asking questions, and having back and forth conversations. With a few members, you had conversations for months.

You have difficulties communicating with people in real life, people who are in your physical presence, having an ongoing spoken conversation. In people’s physical presence, you have very limited time to listen and understand what the other person is saying and to form a response. You are able to respond to people by saying thank you, or no, thank you, and otherwise answering their specific questions in a short form, but you are unable to elaborate or to initiate a conversation.

“I really want to join that conversation but I’m not familiar with this kind of situation. I’m not a person who can just confidently spout anything to join that topic. I feel really awkward…  There is a barrier inside me that won’t let me random talk because I’m afraid of saying the wrong word or that person would ignore what I say”-

– The barrier is your anxiety.

“Are there any ways to program my mind to let go of this safety barrier? I really wanna fix this communication issue” –

Here are a couple online sources regarding the connection between anxiety and the difficulty with having a spoken communication with people, and ways that can help you (I hope that you take a long time reading and understanding what follows):

calm clinic. com/ How anxiety can impair communication: “Communication between two or more people involves a lot of different mental mechanisms. One part of your brain is controlling your listening ability… Another part is formulating what to respond with… it should come as little surprise that when your mind is overwhelmed with anxiety it can impair your ability to communicate… One of the main issues caused by anxiety may be distracted thinking. You may find yourself anxiously thinking about numerous things… or find yourself stuck on a particular thought… distracted thinking makes it very hard to listen and hold a conversation, and your ability to communicate is impaired as a result.

“Being nervous can create problems with overthinking. When you’re nervous while talking to someone else, it’s not uncommon to overthink each and every word you’re about to say in an effort to make sure that you say the right thing…

“Because different issues are at play, there are also different methods that you can use to help ensure that you communicate a bit better… Consider the following:

“- When something is keeping you from focusing, be open about it with the person you’re communicating with. While most people don’t like their anxiety to be known, the truth is that people can tell when you’re anxious…  It may be better to tell the other person (that you are anxious) … rather than trying to pretend that you’re okay and struggle through the conversation.

“- If you are struggling to focus on the conversation, take a moment and ask them to repeat themselves… simply requesting them to repeat it gives you another opportunity to listen.

“- Of course, telling someone not to overthink is easier said than done. It makes sense that you want to make sure you don’t say anything silly or embarrassing, but if overthinking is causing you to say things in an odd way, then what value did overthinking have? Try to talk as you think, and if you say something embarrassing so be it.

“- The more often you engage in conversation with people, the easier you may find it to be. Try practicing conversing with someone you feel comfortable with. You can also try to practice holding a conversation when you are alone. Make sure to speak aloud, not just in your mind, since this is what you will have to do when speaking with another person…

“The above tips may help but they won’t completely fix the problem. Only by addressing the reason for your anxiety will you find relief and become truly comfortable with communicating with others”.

very well mind. com/ How to socialize when you have social anxiety disorder: “There are some tips that may help… Below are a variety of techniques to try that can help… Try coming up with a mantra, or a word or phrase, that you can repeat to yourself when you feel stressed. Maybe you repeat to yourself, ‘I am at ease,’ or ‘I can relax.’ You can say anything that reminds you that you’re not in any real, physical danger. Take some deep breaths. Deep breathing calms down your nervous system… Try taking a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, and releasing it…

“Conversing is a skill, just like riding a bike; the more you do it, the better you will get. You can start conversations almost anywhere- waiting in line at the grocery store, walking in a park… It’s a good idea to have some conversation starters in mind. For instance, a lot of people make casual conversation about the weather, especially if the weather has been unusual or unpredictable. You might start up a conversation based on an observation on your surroundings. If you’re in a park you might say, ‘I’ve never seen the park this crowded before!’… While you might have some small talk topics in your head, don’t be afraid to express honest and real opinions. People tend to prefer genuine interactions… Be yourself! Being your authentic self will create more authentic conversations. When they feel like they know you better, they will likely feel safer and freer to be themselves, too.

“Ask questions– … Maybe you base your question off a common interest. For instance, if you’re both in the same coffee shop, you might ask them what their favorite drink is to order… Here again, body language is key. Face the person when you speak to them, as much as possible, while still respecting their personal space. Make eye contact. You might add in a nod or a smile here and there as you listen and respond to what they’re saying.

“Avoid overthinking- … Try not to overthink it. If you find you have thoughts like, ‘I don’t think they like me,’ or ‘I feel like I sound so stupid right now,’ try to let go of the negativity, take a breath, and refocus on what the other person is saying. Be in the moment. View each conversation you have as practice… not every conversation needs to be long or in-depth. Allow the experience to be whatever it is—however big or small—and look forward to your next opportunity to talk to someone”.

Back to your original post: the atmosphere in the gym you go to, according to your descriptions, is friendly. When the older guy offered you an egg, you said “no thank you”, with a smile. Following that neither one of you said anything to the other. Next time you see him eating an egg in the same circumstance… what will you say or do differently, based on the information I quoted above?

anita

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