Dear Sesha:

I am aware that you did not post for over 2 weeks, but I re-read all of our communication in the 4 pages of your thread nonetheless because I know that there has been something significant missing in my previous understanding. I spent hours this morning trying to find that missing piece.

These are the words you used to describe your emotions since last year: “anxious in everything I was doing and with everyone… very anxious and paranoid… so tense and nervous around people… constantly stressed… self-blame, shame and worry… Feelings of loneliness and worthlessness suffocate me… so tired… always feel uncomfortable in my own skin… there is nothing that I enjoy in life… my emotions… suffocate me… Those intense emotions are scary and terrible… overwhelmed with fear for my future… boredom and loneliness… really low… those suffocating feelings haunt me… every time they come out, they drain my energy, paralyze me”.

– it is clear to me that the origin of your intense hurt, fear, tension, loneliness, feelings of worthlessness (shame), etc., is in your parents’ partial and conditional acceptance of you: when you performed well as a student (good grades) and appeared emotionally strong and stable, they accepted you. If you failed to perform well, and/ or if you appeared emotionally weak and unstable, they rejected you.

In your original post you wrote: “Last year I pushed myself so hard to get through exams and projects” – you worked very hard to receive your parents’ acceptance. But you broke down, and currently being on a semester vacation from university, you find yourself in your mid-twenties, “still haven’t a degree or apprenticeship… behind in life“, meaning, you failed to perform to your parents’/ societal expectations.

In your third and fourth post, you wrote about your parents: “They… just wanted that I succeed… I wish that they didn’t let me down emotionally when I most needed them. In every failure or rejection, I was alone…  It felt more like a constant pushing to reach high goals and ignore… other values in life than performance” – they accepted you when you performed successfully as a student and such and rejected you when you failed to perform well. They focused on only one value: your performance. They ignored your value as a human being with feelings and emotional needs, a human being that needs to be comforted in times of crisis.

On April 5, I asked you: “when you notice a suffocating feeling, what goes through your mind? Can you type away (without planning what you write), whatever thoughts go through your brain when you notice a suffocating feeling?”. You answered: “When those suffocating feelings appear, I can feel how my head feels tense almost like a headache… I can’t think clearly. Everything and everyone don’t matter to me anymore. Nothing has meaning. My friends and family just are sometimes nice to me because I have something to offer that interest them. If I wouldn’t be open and positive, they will let me down. In time of crisis everyone would let me down anyway. I am the only person who I can rely on no matter what… Feeling that heaviness reminds me that I am worthless and unloved if I don’t have to offer something to the world. If I have no knowledge, I am not good in my performance… I am a nothing” –

– here you expressed the nature of your original hurt in regard to your parents’ partial and conditional acceptance of you: in times of crisis, when you didn’t have something to offer (i.e.., evidence of successful performance such as good grades), and when you were not open and positive (not emotionally strong)- they let you down. You couldn’t rely on them to be there f0r you no matter what. Their rejection of you when you needed them most made you feel worthless, unloved… a nothing.

Earlier you wrote about your parents: “They feel overwhelmed every time when I get emotional, so they let me be. Many times, they just stand up and go because they can’t bear my emotions and my intense moaning”

The last thing you shared, April 8: “I feel more hurt than angry when I’m whining (‘intense moaning’)“, hurt for being rejected, for being left alone when you needed them most.

You shared earlier about how you act when you are hurt: “I feel like I am acting like a child and that is not tolerable in the society… When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions, I cry a lot and I talk very negative about myself and others. I get paralyzed and every suggested possible solution I reject and continue to whine. Then I repeat those negative things again and again… My whining is unbearable and unhealthy. Even my therapist felt uncomfortable with my whining. It’s just too much”. 

Earlier I suggested that these episodes whining and crying (that you characterized as inappropriate to an adult), may be panic attacks and you explained that it’s not likely to be panic attacks, because you didn’t experience the symptoms you read about in regard to panic attacks. I agree. I now think that these episodes are temper tantrums.

Healthline/ Adult Temper Tantrums: “Hearing the word ‘tantrum’ might inspire visions of a small child flailing on the floor, red-faced, screaming, ‘I want it, I want it!’ Young children often throw temper tantrums because they haven’t yet learned to control their emotions or vocalize their needs. But what about this kind of behavior in an adult… Adult meltdowns and rage attacks can resemble tantrums, but they tend to happen when someone can no longer cope with tension or painful emotions… Without good emotional regulation skills, some people have a hard time navigating those emotions in appropriate ways. Not everyone learns to express emotions in healthy ways. People who learned to suppress emotions often experience outbursts when they can no longer push them back”.

The article includes suggestions for adults who display temper tantrums and for friends and family of the person throwing the temper tantrums, one of which is: “Tantrums, rage attacks, and meltdowns are usually linked in some way to overwhelming situations or difficulty regulating emotions. If you don’t know what upset your friend or loved one, ask. They may not respond until they feel calmer, but when they do, hear them out. Knowing someone cares can make it easier to explore solutions. Showing understanding and compassion also helps validate their feelings”.

Psych central/ all about adult temper tantrums: “Temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. Children, especially toddlers, sometimes struggle to control and express their emotions. As we learn to regulate emotions and verbalize our needs better, we typically grow out of having these outbursts. However, adults can have tantrums, too. This can involve an upheaval due to frustration or anger. In some cases, an outburst might relate to mental health conditions, including personality disorders…. Type of adult outbursts: … The whine and moan: Angry crying, moaning…”.

Interestingly, the article mentions panic attacks (the suggestion I made earlier to you, that these intense-moaning episodes may be panic attacks), it reads:  “Sometimes, what looks like a temper tantrum at first glance is actually something else. For example, the wide-eyed pacing and ragged breathing of a panic attack might look like a temper tantrum, but panic attacks are intense physical and mental symptoms, not simply an emotional reaction”.

I believe that the episodes you described are indeed adult temper tantrums. Notice in the article I just mentioned, it says: “In some cases, an outburst might relate to mental health conditions, including personality disorders”-

From The minds journal/ The Temper Tantrums of Borderline Personality Disorder, PDF: “People suffering from borderline personality disorder are sometimes more prone to temper tantrums…. Key Points: The borderline personality is desperate for connection and support when alone, often idealizing potential partners or friends. Once the yearned-for relationship begins, the cycle of disappointment, rage, and avoidance repeats. The borderline patient is help-resistant because the therapist’s interventions spark temper tantrums”-

– regarding resisting help, you did share resistance to psychotherapy and to psychiatric medications, and you mentioned that during those episodes you reject every single suggestion given you: “I am not sure if another therapist could help me… I am aware of psychiatric medications. But I really don’t want any medications… When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions, I cry a lot… and every suggested possible solution I reject and continue to whine“.

Wikipedia/ borderline personality disorder: “borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… BPD typically begins by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations… A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability, which generally manifests as unusually intense emotional responses to environmental triggers, with a slower return to a baseline emotional state…Studies have shown that borderline patients experience chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony”.

Significant emotional suffering and mental agony is evident in your writing, see first paragraph in this post.

Back to a quote from what you shared: “when I grew older, I couldn’t control my emotions and they got very intense. I didn’t know how to handle them…  I couldn’t bear those emotions…  Now as an adult I fear that people will walk away if I am not my stable self. Those intense emotions are scary and terrible for others too. So, I have a tendency to avoid others especially if I acted irritating or created discomfort for others… alone the emotions intensify but in such an unstable state I can’t seek comfort in others… I want that people don’t leave me alone with those intense emotions. I want support… Many times, I told my father that I want to die because everything has no meaning, or I can’t handle my life” – there is a lot of that significant emotional suffering and mental agony in your writings.

If I was you, Sesha, I would go to a mental health professional (or two, for a second opinion) to be evaluated and maybe diagnosed with what applies to you. The value of a diagnosis is for it to be used by quality professionals for the purpose of putting together a treatment plan that is specifically tailored and appropriate to you.

anita

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