Dear Aislynn:

We communicated at great length from December 28, 2015, to August 1, 2016. It’s been five years and over 8 months since you lasted posted. You should be in your later 20s at this time; I am so very curious to know what is happening in your life.

As I read through your threads, I came across what you shared in a previous thread:  “My father… his departure was indeed unexpected… Yes, I did take responsibility for him leaving, as a child I thought perhaps I had misbehaved. That I had disappointed him or angered him in some way…. Yes, I did identify with my mother’s struggles and hurt. I saw her as the victim because I saw how my father left us with nothing. He took all our valuables in terms of money and jewelry, and in a sense destroyed our family. I also saw my younger sister as a victim as well… I felt that I needed to protect and take care of my mother and sister. They had already gone through enough, and I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could. My mother had to take up more hours at work in order to be able to pay the bills after we moved in with my grandmother. I saw how hard she had to work…

“I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy… I saw her struggling, and I saw how hard she worked, and it was all to be able to provide for me and my sister. It hurt me that she had to make so many sacrifices. It didn’t help that I knew my uncles were all belittling her after my father left. They took it upon themselves to always tell her and remind her how they had never liked him, how they knew they’d never last. My mother’s family has always, always mistreated her. They’ve belittled her, pushed her around, hit her, etc.). I saw how those comments hurt her; thus, I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her. To protect her. My way of protecting her was by always pretending everything was fine. Even when I was being bullied in school. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain… I just didn’t want her to see me as weak, because I felt that I needed her to see me as strong. I wanted to be strong for her and my sister” –

– I boldfaced the part that Aislynn the child/ teenager wouldn’t have known unless she heard her mother talk about it (talking to Aislynn directly or to someone else, in Aislynn’s presence). Her mother chose to let Aislynn know about her family “always, always mistreated her… belittled her“, etc., always, ever since she was a child.

Aislyn didn’t tell her mother that she was bullied in school, because she didn’t want “to cause her anymore pain… I never let her know about the bullying… I didn’t want to break her heart or hurt her. It was my burden to carry, not hers. I didn’t want her to see me as a broken“; but her mother told Aislynn about the mistreatments she, the mother, suffered since she was a child (“always, always“), not caring about breaking Aislynn’s heart, not thinking that her own childhood pain is her own burden to carry, not Aislynn’s.

Aislynn felt a big need to appear strong for her mother and to protect her mother from knowing that she was bullied in school; her mother didn’t feel the need to appear strong for her daughter and to protect her daughter from knowing that she was mistreated by her brothers growing and onward. (“I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her, to protect her“).

Aislynn, being older than her sister and brother, felt that it was her job to step up and appear strong for the sake of her mother and siblings; her mother, being older than her three children, did not consider that it was her job as a mother, to step up and appear strong for the sake of her three children (“I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could“).

Aislynn felt that her mother was hurt and that it was her job to make her mother feel safe and happy; her mother did not notice that her daughter was hurt and needed to feel safe and happy (“I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy“).

Where her mother failed to step up, Aislynn did.

“Indeed, I did become angry… Angry that I felt I had to fill his shoes. Angry that I felt I had to step up and protect my mother and take care of my sister. I felt he robbed me of my childhood because I felt I had to look after my mom and sister” – Aislynn would not have had to step up, to protect her mother and take care of her sister if her mother appeared strong and in charge. If her mother took charge, she would have given Aislyn specific, spelled out, limited chores, so that Aislynn wouldn’t do too much and get overwhelmed, robbed of her childhood.

“Even now… When my mother and stepdad are mad at each other I always do my best to make sure my 8 year old brother is not around” – Aislynn made sure that her younger brother was not around to listen to his mother and step father quarrel, protecting him from witnessing his mother’s distress; something that Aislynn mother did not do for Aislynn when she talked about her childhood pains and onward mistreatment by her brothers.

“I spoil my brother and try to fill in what my mother and stepdad cannot provide for him. For example, I’m in college, full time, and I make sure my schedule always falls accordingly to my brother’s needs. I am the one who picks him up from school and take care of him while my parents are at work…  I make sure to always tell him that he needs to come for me if there is ever anything wrong…  maybe this all stems from me feeling like I didn’t get all those things as a child… I do not want my brother to grow up alone” – you grew up alone, without strong adults supporting you emotionally, without your needs for safety and love being attended to, without anyone to tell when you were bullied at school, etc.

“What amazes me most is how as a child one could possibly think ‘my mother is weak, I need to protect her and be strong for her.’ It amazes me because if we think about it, there really isn’t much help I could have provided for her in the case of a robbery, financial distress, etc..” – final thoughts, later.

anita