Dear Aislynn/ Reader:

“My father… Yes, I did take responsibility for him leaving, as a child I thought perhaps I had misbehaved. That I had disappointed him or angered him in some way” – reality: your father left, your incorrect perception: he left because you misbehaved.

“I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable…  always, always mistreated…  belittled… pushed…  around, hit…. I felt that I needed to protect and take care of my mother… felt that it was my job to step up…. felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy” – reality: your mother told you that she was mistreated, belittled, pushed around, hit, etc., having expressed severe vulnerability.

Definition of vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Your exaggerated perception of your mother: she (your mother) was a vulnerable child, your adaptive perception of yourself: you (the child) were the adult parent/ the father: “I felt I had to fill his shoes. Angry that I felt I had to step up and protect my mother and take care of my sister”.

As a child, you didn’t view your father, your mother, yourself, and your two younger siblings as five separate, independent individuals. The five were interconnected, a single unit. Your father left, your mother was weak, “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed”, your two siblings were younger than you, and so, the whole family was exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed. Someone had to step up and protect the family, someone had to be the strong, capable parent. You took on the role, tried your best, but your best couldn’t possibly be good enough because a child is not an adult. The result: you were a very anxious child and became a very anxious adult, worried about so many things, not at peace.

What would have happened, I wonder, if you did not take on that role of parent…

anita