Hi Kyle!

Wow I’m sorry to hear that you experienced a lot of trauma throughout childhood. Events like bullying, parents separating and even moving out of state are part of everyday life but they are considered traumatic.

It must have been very difficult growing up  separated from your father and bullied throughout school.

It can be difficult for people to visit out of state regularly. But I don’t think there is any excuse for cancelling when you were supposed to visit.

It may seem like a silly question since you don’t have a relationship with him anymore. But do you feel unloved by your father? If so how does that affect you?

I am also adopted and have a complicated family situation. In my experience, these things can create a lot of difficult feelings.

I can tell that you are a good son that loves his mother.

All people are flawed and have weaknesses. It is possible to love someone and for them to do things that hurt us sometimes. It is also possible to love someone and not agree with everything that they do.

It sounds like your mother has very high standards. Sometimes people do this to protect us, but it can also be hurtful when we find that we don’t measure up.

Lots of people make similar mistakes when they are young and even when they are older. Unfortunately, making mistakes is a normal part of being human.

My advice is if defensive feelings arise and if you feel like you want to tell a lie to protect yourself, rather than tell a lie you could remove yourself from the situation. Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom always works for a speedy getaway.

If you feel anxious or defensive about confiding sensitive things to your mother. Perhaps you could try talking to her and say what you have shared here? That you have difficulties and want to work on telling the truth that sometimes you lie when you feel defensive and it would help you a lot if she would try her best to stay very calm when you tell her these sensitive things.

Perhaps you could come to an agreement between you both about what would be helpful? Maybe your mother could delay her response when you confide sensitive truths? Or if it would be easier to write what you want to share? Anything at all that you both would find helpful.