Dear Leah:

You are very welcome. More in regard to your childhood: you were about 5 when your father left your mother: “He was the whole world to my mom, so when he left home, she was devastated. For a few years, I remember my mom just lying-in bed and being generally unhappy“.

* You shared that your father wasn’t very emotionally available (“After the divorce, the days we were at his place, he wasn’t very emotionally available and so I learned not to rely on him in this sense and not to expect much from him“).

I wonder if you realize that your mother wasn’t emotionally available to you (and to your brothers) either, at least not during the few years when she was lying in bed, devastated and unhappy. I don’t suppose you were able to rely on or expect much from her during those years (ages 5-8, or longer.)

You wrote that your father was your mother’s whole world (“He was the whole world to my mom”). It means that neither you nor your brothers were your mom’s whole world. It is a child’s desire to be her mother’s whole world… Not that it happens often, it’s just that a child desires it.

“As a child, I was pretty quiet and introverted… I had a lot of anger as a kid… turning it inwards… punish myself with self-harm, starvation, and even from the age of 10 I remember I had suicidal thoughts‘ – emotionally unattended to by both parents, you were devastated

“Nowadays, I do have a good relationship with both of my parents. My mom is one of my best friends, and we talk about everything. My dad has grown to be more emotional over the years, and so I open up to him a little more” –

– the life-emotional experiences that affect us most, by far, are those that happen in our first decade of life, during those Formative Years (as childhood is called): our early-life experiences are Formed into our Brains. It is very, very difficult to replace powerful early-life experiences with later-life experiences.

You shared that both your parents married other people, that you live about 20 minutes’ drive from each one, and that your boyfriend’s family is quite dysfunctional (my word): his parents divorced when he was 5, he was emotionally neglected, had fights with his father, slamming doors and leaving the home after such fights, and he currently finds his mother “draining and difficult to talk to”.

Regarding your boyfriend, you wrote: “I made him feel unheard and not prioritized… he also has harmful patterns… often times he would raise his voice (which completely shuts me down), and because he’s very passionate he can come off aggressive, which I interpret as hostile” –

– if the two of you were to resume the relationship, you’d need to hear and prioritize him, and he’d need to become aware of his aggressive expressions (tone of voice, volume, other expressions) and get them under control.

* About your mistrust in men formed as a child: most of it, if not all of it, was based not on what you experienced with your father, but on observing your mother, seeing how she reacted to his leaving and what she said about him. It’s a… second-hand mistrust. What if the reality of their marriage is … not exactly what you believe it is, I wonder?

“I do have a lot of unresolved fear, anger, trauma...  he can come off aggressive, which I interpret as hostile… I’m wondering if we are compatible, and if these things can be worked on and we could, someday, make it work better… Or am I holding onto false hope?… I think we should breakup now, because everything seems too big…  We click on an amazing deep level. But I still have doubts, and I don’t know what’s causing them” –

– I think that what’s causing your doubts are your early childhood experience of lot of unresolved fear, anger, trauma. The latest events with your boyfriend (perhaps the term ex-boyfriend is more appropriate) moved you too close to your unresolved-fear-anger-trauma, and you want distance from these early life experiences. Breaking up with him will give you this needed distance, and this is why you are motivated to break up with him.

anita