Thank you again Anita. Your responses really help me reflect on things.

All the stuff you said is true. I learned to not rely on either of my parents from a young age. I learned to be independent from a young age, kept myself busy. I think over the years I created this core belief that I was a lone-wolf type of person, someone who enjoys solitude and doesn’t need anyone. What I learned through my relationship with my boyfriend is that I was sorely mistaken. I really want and need deep, intimate, close connections. It gives me meaning and enriches my life. I want to share my life with someone, and I want to have close friends. (I used to, in high school) I think I’m more social than I’ve taught myself to believe, or maybe it’s part of the false reality my anxiety created.

I wonder about these two things you wrote: “It is very, very difficult to replace powerful early-life experiences with later-life experiences.” and “if the two of you were to resume the relationship, you’d need to hear and prioritize him, and he’d need to become aware of his aggressive expressions (tone of voice, volume, other expressions) and get them under control.” Do you think it’s possible to change? I tend to believe that it is possible, and if people clash in their harmful patterns, then they can work on it and learn to better communicate with each other in a way that doesn’t trigger or touches the exposed nerves of the other person.

I agree with you about the origin of my mistrust in men. Seeing how devastated my mom was, I swore that I won’t ever let something like that happen to me. I developed a fear of men. What did you mean by “What if the reality of their marriage is … not exactly what you believe it is, I wonder?”?

I fear you’re right about the origin of my doubts. The question is, maybe it’s a good thing that he brought my unresolved stuff to my attention? Thanks to him, I’ve been made aware of so many things about myself that I need to solve and improve on. I ultimately want a relationship where we better each other, but I see now that I wasn’t ready to change. I am very stubborn, which is something I need to work on.

I hope in the future, after I’ve worked on myself, perhaps even manage to live a life with no anxiety, I could try again with him. For now, we still aren’t finished with the breakup… We are still there for each other in some sense, and still need to separate and move out of our apartment. This is all very heartbreaking for both of us… I want to believe that someday we’ll make it work, but maybe that’s just my heart fantasizing.

I have a long journey ahead of me, and I wish I could take him with me, but I see now that I’ve done him a lot of harm. We also were really good to each other, a lot of the time. There were only a handful of “bad” things between us. I hope we can both reflect on it all together, and grow from it.