Dear Leah:

You are welcome. Before I address your recent post: yesterday, I re-read my last reply to you, which included this quote from you: “I tend to believe that it is possible.. (to) learn to better communicate with each other in a way that doesn’t trigger or touches the exposed nerves of the other person”, and I wanted to comment on it-

There are people with nerves that are so exposed that it is impossible for a person interacting with them (and especially for a person living with them), to not touch those exposed nerves: any word, any facial expression, misinterpreted, can touch and trigger those exposed nerves. One can perfect one’s practice of walking on eggshells, and yet trigger those exposed nerves. For the purpose of having a healthy relationship, it is very important for the person with the exposed nerves to practice self-control and to not react every time she/ he feels exposed and triggered.

“I’m going to talk to my ex boyfriend tomorrow, and I plan on telling him some of my realizations about myself. I hope he can see that I intend to learn and grow from this experience” – how about starting the conversation with (1) asking him how he feels, (2)  listening to him: not defensively, but truly listening to him as if he was a friend, and nothing but a friend, (3) asking him a question or two, based on what he said: it can help him understand himself better and feel understood by you.

An exchange like this is likely to be more effective than you reporting to him about your realizations about yourself, at this point, at least.

“I have to accept that for right now I can’t give him what he needs” – I am guessing that what he needs right now is to feel understood and accepted by you (as a person, not as a boyfriend), and so, if you ask him a few questions about himself, and listen to him empathetically… this may be just what he needs.

“and I’m not sure he can give me what I need” – It is important that you are clear with what it is exactly that you need (from him and otherwise) at this point. Are you clear about it?

I hope the conversation with him goes well.

anita