Dear Leah:

To understand a member’s story better, what I often do after receiving new (to me) information, is to re-read older posts with the new info in mind. In your most recent post you wrote: “He did say, about himself, that he realizes he has a tendency to run away from situations, and that he has commitment issues” – I didn’t know that based on this 4 relationship so far (the 3 before you and the one with you), he believes that he has commitment issues.

Re-reading “He has a complicated relationship with his mother…  he finds her draining and difficult to talk to” leads me to think that similarly to how you distrust men because you project your image of your father into men, he might have a problem committing to women in the context of romantic relationships because he is projecting his mother into women. This would explain why the conversation with you yesterday wasn’t much of a conversation: “Basically, he’s not ready to really look at the relationship the way I have. He simply doesn’t do it. He doesn’t look back” – he won’t look at it, won’t look back=> he won’t talk.

He finds his mother “draining and difficult to talk to” => he therefore avoids talking to her =>he therefore avoids talking to a girlfriend, when things have become difficult, or too difficult.

“At some point he said something like ‘I just want to remind you that you instigated this,’ or like that I initiated the breakup” – reads like he wanted to break up with you before you instigated/ initiated the breakup, and that he was relieved that you initiated the break up, and therefore he didn’t have to.

Another thing I noticed while re-reading: “he was going through what I was going through – we were both a mess…We are both hurting, we love each other and care for each very much, we’re both confused… This is all very heartbreaking for both of us“- likely he hasn’t felt/ doesn’t feel exactly like you do, the two of you don’t feel the same and to the same extent. You have projected how you feel into him, and some of the projection is not accurate.

“I can’t help but replaying all of the good times we had, how easily we click, the deep emotional, physical, and mental connection that we share” – some of the connection you shared (I don’t know how much) was imagined by you, or magnified in your mind: an inaccurate projection (which is very, very common in relationships).

“I feel like ‘moving on’ so quickly, and to not look at our relationship and examine it, cheapens it or makes it feel like not a big deal” – it wasn’t as big of a deal for him as you imagined. (It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a big deal for him).

“From things he said, I think he wants to ‘move on’, cut off contact for a while… It hurts me to think that it didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me“- my point: not as much as you imagined.

“The bottom line is, he’s just not looking at our relationship and what’s happened to it. He refuses to do it, or he cannot do it. It’s hard for me to accept, but I have to accept it“- I think that he ran away from the relationship before you noticed that he did. And better accept it that he did.

“What I need – I’m not entirely sure. I’m trying to focus on what I need RIGHT NOW, which is just compassion and a hug” – a virtual hug and real compassion from me to you! It is refreshing to read from a young woman who is intelligent, insightful, open to examine herself: to look into positive and negative aspects of herself. I hope that you are/ will be feeling much better soon. Please post again anytime!

anita