Dear Ed:

“Are you okay with continuing this discussion?…  can’t pay you any more in return for your work than expressions about my honest appreciation” – yes, I am okay with continuing this discussion. The only payment I expect is my own learning which is something I pay myself (it is my brain that’s doing the learning). You don’t have to pay me anything. I would like you to keep being your honest, genuine self because it’s best for you and for me, in the context of this thread.

When I submit this post, the paragraph above becomes public record and you and I will hold me accountable for what it says.

“gaslighting was pretty common with my parents. it would start with little lies about food… my parents ate it and told us that it was never there. Promises my parents made but then denied ever making. Accusations or hurtful things they said but then also denied ever saying”

“She would also deny having said certain things in arguments or altering them slightly to make them sound less harsh. For example at one point, she admitted to let off steam by being mean or aggressive to me and when I later wanted to talk about that she pretended to be unsure about her having said that… telling people we both knew at the time how irresponsible I was concerning my mental health..”.

“I am afraid of me being wrong all along… Writing about these things just makes these moments so real again and I feel so unsure about whether I understood things right or if my ex was right and I got everything wrong”.

My input: it takes courage to do what you did here: to talk about what’s causing you self-doubt and distress. Addressing issues that cause us distress is difficult and should be done with care, in small portions and gently.

In my experience with my mother I was heavily gaslighted (truth denied, lies told, false accusations thrown about and more). As a result, in my interactions with people as an adult (I don’t remember earlier), I was hypersensitive to inconsistencies in what people said and did. When people were not exact in what they said, if what they said over time had any inconsistencies, I was immediately suspicious that they were lying. I didn’t understand that everyone’s memories are imperfect and that at different times people remember different aspects of the same experience, so you get slightly different stories in regard to the same experience.

What do you think/ feel at this point? (If you feel distressed at this time, please take a break and distract yourself with something positive (positive distraction), ex.: taking a walk, a shower, listening to music.

anita