Dear Ed:

I don’t think that you are going to like the content of this post. Please stop reading it if it makes you feel too distressed, and if you choose to end our communication as a result of this post, I will understand. I am posting this because it may be helpful to you if you are able to consider it.

I read your recent posts and your conclusion at the end of your longer post in regard to your ex: that she was “passive-aggressive, controlling and full of lies“- I am sorry, but from what you shared, and from what I understand in regard to what you shared over time, this is not a true conclusion.

“What made it so painful was that I asked her for so long (1 year) what she was discontent about, regarding the relationship or myself. She told me each time that everything would be fine” – it seems like you think that all through that one year, in her mind, she was clear about what she was feeling and thinking but she kept it away from you, and in so doing,  she was lying to you… all through the year.

But reality is (and it would be especially true to her because you described significant depression on her part), that people’s thoughts and feelings change over the course of a year, often over the course of the day. People are not always clear about what they feel,  or about what they think because of overwhelming needs and distress.

People engage in wishful thinking: maybe she wished that “everything would be fine” and therefore told you that everything would be fine. It is not likely that in her mind, she thought something like: everything will NOT be fine, but I will tell him that everything will be fine so that he’ll get very hurt when he finds out otherwise. She was probably needy of you, afraid to lose you, wanting you to feel better, wanting to feel better herself, so she told you that everything would be fine.

It was most likely not a lie or a false promise, but her wishful thinking and wanting to feel better.

“She told me each time that everything would be fine when it was clearly not“- I don’t think that her mind was clear enough to look into the future and figure that everything will not be fine! Depressed and distressed, she probably had difficulties figuring out what she was feeling. How could she tell you clearly what she was feeling when she wasn’t clear herself?

“I even thought ahead and asked her if she’s fine with me sleeping longer than her, she said no problem. And then this was an item on her list” – Maybe she wanted to please you and thought that she would be able to handle you sleeping very late into the weekdays, so she said “no problem”. Later, after some months of being alone for many hours each weekday, she changed her mind.

“I always understood that she was anxious about my suicidal thoughts” – but you didn’t give her credit for being human and therefore not thinking clearly when anxious and depressed herself.

“And this is why it was hateful: a list of things I would have to improve for her to stop being ‘that way towards me’“- but that way toward you was not destructive way (“her anger wasn’t destructive“), so you stated yourself.

Yesterday you wrote: ““She chose to lie to me for a year…gaslighting me about everything going wrong“- I don’t think that she gaslighted you when she told you that everything would be fine, and similar things she said, because most likely confused, depressed and distressed, she wasn’t clear herself, and she didn’t purposefully tell you something that she clearly knew was untrue for the purpose of causing you to doubt your own reality (which is what gaslighting is about).

I wrote to you yesterday: “In my experience with my mother I was heavily gaslighted (truth denied, lies told, false accusations thrown about and more). As a result, in my interactions with people as an adult…  I was hypersensitive to inconsistencies in what people said…  immediately suspicious that they were lying”. Your reply: “I often feel the same way, especially when stressed“.

I wonder if you see a connection between the fact that your parents really did gaslight you (“gaslighting was pretty common with my parents. it would start with little lies…  promises my parents made but then denied ever making. accusations or hurtful things they said but then also denied ever saying“, July 1) and what I believe to be your inaccurate projection of their behaviors- their gaslighting- into your ex-girlfriend?

anita

anita