Hi Helcat

Many thanks for taking the time to respond, and for your kind words.  Your question on the theme of our arguments once again brings to mind the teenager theme.  We only really argued about his going out with friends, drinking to oblivion and turning his phone off if I tried calling him to see when he’d be home .  He called this controlling and felt he was having to report to me – something I now see as typical teenage behaviour.  I never got invited out and he rarely took me on any ‘dates’.  To me he confused controlling with concern but he doesn’t acknowledge that when I try to explain it to him, so I’ve given up.

It may sound as if I’m sounding increasingly negative about him.  We did share good times and have similar taste in music, design, TV and food!  I guess we were better suited as friends.  The parent child relationship was never going to work long term which is a shame.  And I’m ok thank you – lots to think about in the near future.  A holiday with the kids (and not the husband!) and a new job to get my teeth into.  I’m sure I’ve got more tears to cry but I know I’ll be ok.

You’re right though about damage to our kids – our son is having therapy and his relationship with his dad contributes to the need for this (more to do with covid, teenagers, discipline at school).  On the positive side, his dad has agreed to attend a session – maybe more – with him.  I think he (dad) wants to mend things which I’m really happy about, though his way of mending things seems to be to become a friend and not a parent.  He knows he can’t shout any more as he doesn’t live here but hopefully the therapist will emphasize the need for him to be a positive, fatherly role model, not a mate to go to the pub with.

Our daughter is about to leave for uni and she is very mature.  It helps a bit that she’s studying psychology! I think she will be fine but I’ll keep an eye on her.

He IS too far away though and I think he knows that, but he won’t move closer – he’s having too much of a good time living next to his workmate/friend.  He’ll miss out in the long run when his children effectively say they owe him nothing but that’s for him to deal with.

And Anita’s advice and kind words have really boosted my resolve to.  This really is a great place I’ve discovered, just at the right time!