Dear nova:

This will be a long post because I will be reading and responding to all your posts so far. I will bring up different points while all along, I am not invested in you making this or that choice.

It looks like you stumbled into the relationship with your fiancé. That’s not uncommon: lots and lots of women stumble into relationships, relationships that just happened because he happened to be there, there was something about him that was attractive, physically or otherwise (or maybe because there was nothing about him that was terribly unattractive), and because no other man, a more attractive man, was interested at the time, so the choice was limited.

“Things have always been rocky between us… We have broken up many, many times” – this is not evidence of a promising relationship, regardless of the reasons for the breakups.

After the last breakup (August 2019), away from your fiancé, you had the best time in your life: “I was actually quite happy to be on my own and living in an apartment on my own. I was really taking care of myself; I was working out, making friends, going out and just overall enjoying my life in a way I hadn’t experienced yet“- this is evidence in the direction of not being in a relationship with him (or with anyone, perhaps) being promising.

You then got back with him in November 2019 and a month later you … stumbled into a pregnancy.  And now, you are 25 with two kids under 3, engaged to their father and of course, the logical and responsible thing to do is to marry him and live happily- or unhappily ever after. The saying you made your bed, now lie in it comes to mind, a saying based on the belief that there are limited choices in life, and once they’re made, you’re stuck with them.

Imagine you being very wealthy and therefore having unlimited financial choices: would you settle for this relationship or would you make arrangements so that you and the father of your kids live separately and everyone is content with the arrangement?

“I love this person… but I am not IN love with him.. I understand that love is not always sunshine and rainbows, and that the honeymoon phase does end.. I simply do not feel fulfilled with our sex life. I never have… there’s just a general lack of chemistry”- you were never fulfilled with him sexually.. so the honeymoon phase did not begin, there’ve never been sunshine and rainbows, not sexually, not really.

“I just want to feel SPECIAL to him… I am doubtful he can love me the way my heart truly desires, and to live my life feeling unfulfilled by my relationship terrifies me“- this is a strong desire, to feel special, with capital letters, SPECIAL. When a child grows up feeling not special, year after year and into the second decade of life, this desire becomes intense and quite permanent. Unfortunately as an adult, it is unlikely to get this feeling satisfied in a romantic relationship (true in regard to your fiancé and G), not for long. It takes quality therapy to lessen and contain this child intense desire to feel that special.

“Recently he has offered to please me sexually more than he ever has…  but over the years it has felt that our sex life centered around his pleasure and the moment that I began to enjoy things it would end because he would reach climax (prematurely, if you know what I mean) and I would just be left feeling empty and unfulfilled“- we are habitual creatures. He has his habits in regard to food: what foods he likes, what foods he dislikes, how thoroughly he chews his food, how much he eats, when he eats, whether he likes to drink his coffee black or with cream, whether he has toast with his coffee, etc., etc. Similarly, he also has habits in regard to sex, and just like he is not likely to change his habits in regard to food, he is not likely to change his habits in regard to sex.

“we get on well intellectually and can talk very deeply about things and I do value that and it is something I love about him“- getting along intellectually means that you can build on it. Not getting along sexually- nothing to build on.

If you talked with him intellectually about your lack of felt-chemistry, how would that go? I imagine it will hurt him very much… bring the relationship to an end perhaps, or he may try very hard, pun intended.. he is not very aware of the issue, is he?

“With G, the individual I have reconnected with…  there is incredible sexual chemistry there“- there is a sexual compatibility, there is a fit between his sexual and related habits and yours.

“The thought of leaving and being on my own has crossed my mind many times, before I even reconnected with G“- not the state of mind that is congruent with getting married.

“I know that the right thing to do would be to give my relationship with my fiancé as fair of a chance as possible before calling it quits. That would look like really trying to fan the flame of passion and sexual fulfillment in our lives and to get back to a place of desiring each other” – so there was a time when you desired him.. was that before you experienced sexual frustration with him too often and the whole experience became disappointing? In other words, did you desire him based on the expectation that he will deliver the goods, an expectation that wasn’t met?

Regarding “trying to fan the flames of passion”- to blow oxygen into a fire, you have to have a fire first.

“I recognize that part of the reason the sexual chemistry between G and I was so great is because I, on a personal level was feeling so confident in myself at the time; and sexy. I was taking care of myself by working out… so that is something I could attempt to incorporate into our relationship and see if that helps ??“- I don’t think so. Imagine working out, feeling great.. and getting sexually disappointed once again. You can incorporate healthy habits into your life, but you can’t incorporate a sexual compatibility that is not there.

“Or, I could just end the relationship to pursue one with G. Which to me and to I think any person would seem like an absolutely stupid idea because why would I leave my fiancé with whom I have started a family and have a generally good relationship with, to be with someone I really do not know on any REAL level but made me feel good sexually and made me feel flirty and fun. That just doesn’t seem like the right way to go. But I do know that in the back of my head I will always wonder about what could have been. Thoughts?”-

– If you ended your relationship with your fiancé, you might regret it so much and feel so guilty about it,  that it will damp your attraction to G. You might even feel chronically angry at G for being the cause of your breakup, for being the reason your kids are not living with their father.

Back to the saying you made your bed, now lie in it, a saying that applies literally here… you stumbled into this relationship with your fiancé,  but the good news is that he has great qualities and you mentioned none that are abusive, so you didn’t stumble that badly. It would be a bad idea to stumble into a bed/ life with G because you don’t know him well. He may be great in bed, but what if… he has a nasty habit of sh*** around the bed in some way, excuse my being gross. You don’t want to stumble into that!

The more you try to fan flames that aren’t there, or flames that are too weak- the less fire you will experience. It’s a matter of feeling it-or-not. So don’t push it, don’t force it. If you accept the absence of passion, maybe you will be surprised some day, or night. If you stop hoping and expecting MORE, the less may become- unexpectedly- more.

anita