Hello,

I did not respond for some time because yes, I was very shattered for some time. Then of course I was stable for some time and now I am back to feeling the chaos, which I suppose is how life goes. Thank you so so much for the thoughtful responses. I am very touched that you care enough to read about this.

After leaving M and staying away from most people I know through him, I had to get a job to support myself. I work with preschoolers on the autism spectrum, offering therapy in their homes. Working with young families (while wishing for one of my own) then returning home to only my two cats, exhausted and with only time to do homework and prepare for the next day, left me as a husk of a human for some time. This fall I was also awaiting for/undergoing surgery on my uterus, another thing that made me both anxious and depressed.

Later, I felt stable, and the surgery went well. I had some time of feeling grateful and a little hopeful. I joined a dating app to see what kind of men I would attract, it being 3 years since I tried to meet someone new. I still felt like I was betraying M for talking to someone new, but I had hoped this feeling would pass.

This is how I met T, my current boyfriend. He is a hard worker, creative, intelligent, and takes life very seriously. We both want to have a family, raised as close to nature as possible.

We are doing semi long distance, only able to see each other on the weekends. He wants to either move closer or to move in with me. I have school and am not emotionally ready. I’ve told him so, but he continues to talk about living together.

He is head over heels for me, and I love him but…not in the way he loves me. I am not used to this dynamic. Usually I’m the one who is glued to the other person. It does not help that every now and then, either via current events or natural conversation, he asserts a world view that I do not agree with. This causes me strife and worries me, so I emotionally disengage from him.

These periods of emotional disengagement from him have occured after current events or discoveries during more natural conversations. I disagree with him on these subjects, making me feel unstable and unsure about him. Of course I brought up important topics when we were getting to know each other, but for some reason his views have changed (or he was being a bit dishonest before). For example: he was very vocal about being pro Putin when Ukraine was invaded. When Roe v Wade was overturned he celebrated. Brad Pitt’s kilt during a movie premiere was “gay” and he said he was grateful his mom didn’t put him in gymnastics when was young because that’s for “fags”. He has also used slurs that I shoot down immediately. After talking with him about why I don’t like slurs he has used them less often, but they still slip out sometimes.

When it comes to raising a family and feeling at peace with a partner, I know it’s not realistic that there be 100% accordance. However, these differences in mindsets really do worry me. I have experience with my stepdad expressing many of the same views T has, and the childhood I had with him was stifling and terrifying.

That, on top of the fact that I still love M quietly, despite periods of emotionally setting him aside or saying goodbye to the idea of M so I can focus on my current relationship. I am not as attracted to T as I was to M, emotionally or physically, and this worries me. My family and friends tell me that a cooler love with T is normal, and to disagree about important subjects is normal. But sometimes it doesn’t feel right to me. I work so much that I feel like I can’t take the time to decided to either ask for a pause or to decide to be more patient for T. It’s now during vacation with my family that I’m able to reflect more, and I only feel anguish and heart ache.

It’s a conundrum.

I don’t want to risk losing what I have with T because I can’t get over M. With M, it has always felt like we were wonderful until his addiction took over, and I was always fighting for the real him to come out for good to tackle his addiction. I’ve realized I’m still in love with the non addict M. He sent me a couple messages this past spring to say he still loves me and has a stable job now, and is working on his sobriety. Mutual friends have confirmed this. I replied with a message similar to “do this for you, not me, or else it won’t stick. I want you to be happy”. Mutual friends have told me that M is sober (for now), working hard, and asking about me and saying he is still hoping that one day I’ll take him back.

I don’t want to feel like I’m settling with T, but sometimes we don’t click. At first those periods of not clicking were isolated and I was not even thinking of M. But of course, now, I am. We are getting close to one year of my relationship with M blowing up and I am now 29, thinking of how I want to start a family once my studies are done. T knows I have baggage from M and M knows from a mural friend that I am seeing T.

I know there is no real answer to fix this. But I saw that there were some old questions from you that I didn’t respond to, and with this current conflict in my heart I thought it might be a good time for an update.

Thank you very much for reading this, if you are.

I am now realizing the irony of the title of this thread.