Dear Eric:

This will be a different kind of reply, not like the usual where I quote your words and reply with my thoughts, with my best logic of the moment. This will be more of a feeling-reply. After you replied to me previously, saying that you will put aside the topic of ATTITUDE, which I brought to you, saying that you will get back to it, I wondered if you will. I didn’t like the idea that you may never get back to it. When I read your recent posts, I was relieved that you Kept your Word and did return to the topic.

And then, as I read your recent post addressed to me, reading the usual ways you write, “i” instead of “I”, lots of “……”, your way of writing, and I read your unique honesty about what you think and feel, I became aware that I was feeling that I like you, feeling true affection for you. And while in the past, I did not like the “i”s and many “…”- these became nice, likeable… your ways became cute and positively special.

I realized as I read your recent posts, that really, I have nothing new that I can suggest to you, except for this one thing: that I like you.

Now, imagine a girl not liking your height (just as I did not like your “i”s), but because of your unique honesty (however awkward you may sound like in-person), imagine that she starts to like you like I just did. Imagine that she feels affection for you and suddenly… she likes your height, just like I like your”i”- s.

Imagine it, Eric… (I use “…” myself, as you can see).

anita

Dear anita, I apologize for replying late,.. Yes I’m trying to accept the conditions of my life. I’m really trying my best… I know I shouldn’t care too much about that kind of person who underestimated my short appearance and looks, but still I’ll never able to achieve their bodies which is more attractive and taller, and I need to eradicate that kind of dream. I used to dream to have an ideal body when I was still a kid, but I was never given, not even an average height. Even if their personality is filthy, sometimes I envy them, like they can at least experience going to the clubs as someone attractive, while me, it’s really hard for me to enjoy that kind of thing. I need to wear tall shoes, etc., and it’s still not enough. I’m not saying that I want to enjoy going to clubs, it’s just that I need to accept that I won’t be able to experience the feeling of being an attractive person. But day by day I’m trying to accept this, I’m trying to accept this body even though I don’t like it (like a harsh reality)…I’m afraid that girls might look at me as an unattractive guy or she might judge my height. This causes me to be afraid to initiate a conversation,  and this habit keeps on going year after year… I really need to find a solution for my brain, like I prefer a solution rather than accepting. Like I used to be afraid going to the mall wearing sandals, but now I found a solution which is wearing tall shoes, but I still need to find a solution if I’m in someone else’s house, in which I’ll be barefoot, I’m really insecure there.. . I think to overcome fear, I need to experience it first,  like the first time will be the hardest, but then the follow up will be easy. Just like how I start learning how to drive a car, at first I fear driving outside the complex, but I force myself and in the end, I don’t feel afraid now. I also used to be afraid of cutting my nails with the nail cutter when I was a kid. I let my parents cut it for me. But then when I go outside my city to enter uni, i need to learn that, and eventually I did learn how to cut my own nails. I use my own method because I still have fear of cutting my nails, so i cut it really slow and safely. But to overcome the fear on conversing with an attractive girl, or a person I feel pressure is not easy because I can’t trial and error, and they could come randomly without me planning how to talk to them… I think it’s due to the surroundings at my home is very lonely, while at the gym there are lots of people (even if the people who went to the gym every day are the same ones mostly), and people there talk to each other while working out, I love seeing people in my surroundings talk to each other even if I don’t talk. It creates a happy atmosphere in me, this kind of feeling also appears in other occasion, not only in the gym. Do u think this might be because I felt too lonely at my house? Sometimes I also feel less lonely when I’m talking here, like i feel there are people who appreciates my existence, and I’m thankful for that.

Dear helcat, Thank you for your response, and yes I’m feeling much better now… I honestly believe that I deserve (physical punishment) that so that I won’t make the same mistakes again, and i have to find a solution for it. That’s what i thought when i hit my head… When i met her that time, I want to ask her how’s she doing now? Because she attends the same uni as me…. I’d like to know what’s her job now. And also discussing small talks like now the covid situation are much better in our city. But all of this doesn’t come out from my mouth that time due to fear…