Hi Emma

Male trauma therapists exist. Every organisation usually has at least one male therapist on staff. Therapy does bring up a lot of raw emotion. But you have to go through that in order to heal. The mechanism for PTSD is based on avoidance. Avoiding those feelings, memories causes them to become intrusive.

It sounds like you have tried to do a lot for your husband. You have done your best to support him. But you aren’t a therapist, untreat his PTSD will continue to deteriorate.

I think that you are aware that your husband’s view on media is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn’t have watched it secretly throughout the marriage.

Some have no personal connection to violence. On television when you have no personal connection to it, it remains fiction. When you have a personal traumatic connection violence shown on tv it triggers related traumatic memories. You are watching a fictional story, your husband relives his past.

That being said, he needs to get over his need to control what you do in an attempt to make himself feel better and his false beliefs about what it means for people who do partake in media he is triggered by.

You face the consequences of your actions every day. It sounds like he wants to punish you for years of hidden resentments. This is abusive. It’s not your fault that he hid his complaints. One complaint as it arises is easy to bear, easy to resolve. Years and years of complaints… there is no realistic way that you can cope with or make amends for something that happened years ago that you weren’t aware of. He wants to paint you as the problem instead of facing that his resentment is the consequence of his behaviour -his refusal to discuss things that occurred.

He needs to forget the past between you and focus on the present. Bringing up the past in arguments is never helpful.

Nowadays we are taught that we can act however we like, say what we like, do what we want, and other people just have to go along with it, but sometimes there are consequences to being like that and we can hurt people.

Ironically, I think he needs to heed his own words. He treats you however he wants, blaming you for his feelings. Demands that you accept  to his punishment. Demands that you don’t watch shows that he doesn’t like.

You are an individual person, not an extension of him. What you want and feel matters too. Just as much as what he wants and feels.

I don’t think leaving is giving up when the going gets tough. I think it’s about protecting yourself. You have been there throughout all of his pain.

To have a happy life with this man he would need extensive therapy. He would need to forgive you and stop trying to punish you for past mistakes and start fresh. He would need to accept that you are a different person, that you have your own independent needs and desires. He would need to stop relying on you trying to make him feel better and learn to manage his feelings himself.