Dear Emma:

The first part of this post was written before I read your most recent reply, and the second is after.

First part: sometimes it’s easy to form an opinion about a person/ a character in a story, and get overly invested in that opinion to the point of dismissing possible evidence that contradicts the strong opinion.

There are two main characters in your true story: Emma (E)  and Emma’s husband (H). As I first read your original post, I felt a dislike for H and I formed the opinion that H is all these negative things that you expressed and that I repeated and elaborated on in my replies. And I formed the opinion that E, as imperfect as she may be, is H’s victim.

But more often than not, the reality of relationships is not that of a bad guy/ good guy, which is often depicted in cartoons and certain movies. Reality is more complex: the two parties of the relationship interact with each other in so many ways, for so long, and each contributes to what the relationship becomes.

In the future, when I read about a relationship and I form a dislike for one of the two people in the relationship, I need to be careful and keep my mind open to view all the information in front of me, not just the information that fits my preformed opinion. In your story, an example of information that you provided and that I largely ignored because it didn’t fit the strong preformed opinion is: “I have a tendency to micro-manage people and I have an incredibly stubborn streak that makes me argumentative and unwilling to accept that I am wrong. He is not the only person to have mentioned this and it has caused me to clash with people before. These are things I want to change about myself, not just for him”.

Second part: good to read that you can see that everything is not your fault, and that you have some clarity about what is your fault and what is not your fault. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to accept fault, that feeling of guilt can be terrible, and the inclination really is to reject it. I made lots of progress in this regard and when following realizing that I made a mistake and feeling the beginning of that terrible guilt, I say to myself: Everyone makes mistakes. Good people are not people who don’t make mistakes; good people are people who learn from their mistakes. What can I learn from this mistake? I then make a mental note of what it is that I learned and how to behave differently in a similar situation in the future. Following that- I feel better, guilt gone.

“He is not doing this to get sympathy, as he pretends to the whole world that everything is fine. I am the only person he has ever told all of this to”- this is a significant piece of information. At 40, he has never told anyone but you about his abusive childhood and sexual abuse at 16, not a single person?

anita