Dear Dan:

I am sorry for your heartache and I hope that you will feel better soon. It may take feeling worse before feeling better because learning important lessons in life is often painful. But then, when you learn important lessons, life gets better.

“I was coming off of a bad 12 year relationship one in which lasted about 10 years too long. Our separation wasn’t bad, our relationship wasn’t bad but things in life happened”-

– did you notice that you wrote in two consecutive sentences that the relationship (at least 10 years of it) was bad and that it wasn’t bad? I know people who see and yet they do not see the reality of their relationships, putting aside painful information so to have a picture as rosy as possible. It is a way to lower stress, to keep going with less stress.

“Christmas hit and something didn’t feel right but I was kept in the dark. .. and I felt the distance growing further and further“- you were kept in the dark, meaning there were no conversations, or no clarifying, honest communication between you and your wife about what was going on, and without such communication the distance between the two of you grew.

“Then her mom started living with us I was unhappy but I put up with it and didn’t really voice my feelings and she probably sensed that as well. I don’t know“- there were no conversations between you and your wife about her mother moving in and living with the two of you. Your wife didn’t ask you beforehand how you’d feel about it (or she asked and you said it’d be alight?), and/ or you didn’t volunteer information to her in regard to her mother moving in or living with you. You are guessing that she probably sensed how you felt but you don’t know because…  you didn’t tell her?

“I think she just wanted to be a single mom again and not have the responsibility of being a wife as well. I don’t know. All this has left me very confused“- again, you don’t know because there were no conversations, at least not honest and clarifying conversation about what she wanted and what her motivation was for the separation. As a result, you are very confused.

“She.. doesn’t want to go see the concert we bought tickets for. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to open up, maybe it’s because she finds it too hard to see me. I don’t know“- again, no conversations=> you are guessing because you don’t know.

About your prior relationship, you wrote: “Our separation wasn’t bad“.  About your separation from your current wife, you wrote: “We hold no ill will or bad feelings towards each other“- no conversations, no honest communication=> no bad separation, no bad feelings?

About your prior relationship, you wrote: “Our relationship wasn’t bad but things in life happened that made it very difficult for her to be the wife she says I deserve“. About your most recent relationship, you wrote: “she said she wanted a separation… She said that… she couldn’t be there for me the way that she thinks she should“- I am getting the picture (and please correct me if I am wrong, Dan) that in relationships with the two women you mentioned, you are eager to please, not voicing negative feelings, being a yes-man perhaps… so overall, in relationships, you take on the “good guy” role and the woman feels like the “bad guy”, and as a result they feel guilty (?)

“I’ve learned that I have attachment trauma.. I’ve learned that I’m an anxious pre occupied style of attachment“- too anxious to voice your feelings, to ask questions?

“She said one time that she thought I was jealous of her son. This is farthest from the truth…  Did I resent that her son was sleeping in her bed while I was on the couch?  Yes I can honestly say part of me did. Maybe that’s me being selfish, I don’t know”- it is not selfish to feel what you feel, but judging yourself negatively for how you feel, you deny what you truly feel from yourself?

White Blank Page, the song: “Can you lie next to her- And give her your heart, your heart– As well as your body…. And confess your love, your love As well as your folly“- when one feels foolish (folly), it takes courage to give another person your mind: your true thoughts and feelings.. for fear of being thought of as foolish or faulty, is it?

“But tell me now, where was my fault- In loving you with my whole heart“- no fault in loving her with your true heart. It’s just that there has to be a good measure of honest, open communication between two people in order to have a good, healthy relationship.

“A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage- You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink. You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections“-  I know how troubling feeling anger can be, it can feel threatening. Does it feel this way to you?

“Heart, Heart, Heart, Heart- Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life- O lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life“-

– Elsewhere, about the truth: “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free“- it is a fascinating journey to face and get to know the truth. It is painful at times, but the state of mental and emotional freedom is worth it!

anita