Dear Sadlyconfused:

“Would other people generally be okay with their spouse saying things like this?“- I’d be okay, in the context that you described: it was a one-time, single comment on a publicly displayed photo, she lives far away, she has a boyfriend, and this type of commentary is a common practice on their website.

“Am I too uptight?”– more uptight than I currently am, but less uptight than I used to be.

“Would I be less upset by it if I generally felt stronger mentally?“- yes, I believe so.

“Am I judging too quickly without knowing the full context?“- he volunteered the information and provided the context quite honestly, reads to me. Seems to me that the context was simple, not complicated (not something that requires further understanding).

“I also find it difficult to understand why he felt any need to comment on her appearance in the first place“- men have felt the need to comment on the physical appearance of women probably from the beginning of time. Men’s attention to the physical appearance of women is what’s behind the many billion dollars’ worth of industry all over the world: men (heterosexual men) just love to look at women, it’s in their mammalian genes they can’t help it!

In regard to the rest of what you shared: it’s very positive that over the last 3-4 moths, the communicate with your husband has improved, that you work on self-improvement and that as a result, your relationship greatly improved. I imagine that your husband felt comfortable telling you about the comment he made because of the much improved communication.

“me weaning off anti-depressants… I’m never quite sure whether I’m just being too emotional“- if you are currently weaning off anti-depressants, I bet that you are indeed too emotional.

“dealing with the heightened anxiety and anhedonia… For so long I felt like I couldn’t feel anything for anyone“- you couldn’t feel anything and now, you feel too much, as a result of weaning off anti-depressants: do I understand correctly?

“I know that he’s had poor mental health too. I’m largely getting better now“- it will take the two of you to continue to work together, so to benefit each other’s mental health and the health of marriage.

“He freely brought up the fact that the only out of context thing that would have potentially upset me if I had seen it would be a comment he left on a female gamer friend’s photo.. (in) their public community group, so not a one-on-one thing… something like: ‘If I were 10 years younger, lived in Texas and wasn’t married“- (1) don’t punish him for being honest with you and freely volunteering information, you don’t want to discourage him from being honest and open with you, (2) if this is the only thing in his online activity that could upset you, my goodness, you are a fortunate wife!

“He says it was a jokey thing and that everyone in the community talks like that about one another“- reads believable to me.

“I told him that commenting things like this on another woman’s photo, even in jest as he claims it was, is a slippery slope and that I feel really disrespected by it“- I don’t think it’s a slippery slope and again, it is in the heterosexual man’s mammalian genes to think what he thought (if not to voice it), so it’s nothing personal.

“I think part of the deeper pain though is that I thought he might be remorseful about the fact I’m upset by it, but instead I feel like he disregarded my feelings and couldn’t understand why it hurt me… but he just flat out said that there was nothing wrong with his behaviour“- I feel badly that you are experiencing deep pain over this (or over any topic), and I hope that he does too. Yet, I don’t think that it is his fault that you feel this particular pain. His comment triggered a pre-existing pain; it  didn’t cause the pain. Do you agree?

anita