Dear Katrine Nielsen:

“I think I got too close and he got scared and shut down. I did the same when he got too close“- I agree. It is interesting, isn’t it, that emotional closeness (a good, healthy thing) can feel like a threat, requiring a shut down.

“he added that he was fuming and taking his anger out on (his brother)”- if the two of you were in a relationship, you’d have to pay attention and see that he does not take his anger out on you.

“.. and being so blinded by his own problems he wasn’t there for (his brother)”- … and you’d have to be prepared for the likelihood that he will not be there for you when he is blinded by his own problems. (If the two of you adequately regulated your emotions, you would be able to be there for each other even when experiencing problems).

“Honestly it nearly made me cry knowing I can trust my own perception of things and I’m not crazy“- you never seemed crazy to me. I think of you as remarkably rational, understanding and insightful.

“Earlier this year I had my first intimate experience with a man it was scary..  terrifying and foreign to me…I had to force myself. It sounds bad but it ended up being the most safe and stable thing I have ever tried. A true gentleman, we were together for three months then his visa expired. And that was hard. Finally, (I)  got some love and amazing experiences“-

– Your courage led you to success: C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !!!

“I have learned a whole lot this year and still learning“- c O n G r A t U l A t I o N s again: the more you learn, the more courage… the more success.

“I know that when your nervous system gets dysregulated you can’t act appropriately because your brain is only focused on keeping you safe“- very well said. Your remarkable understanding and insight (which I mentioned above) is evident in your simple and accurate wording.

“I know I still react (shut ting down, pushing people away) instead of responding (regulating myself before making any decisions)“- again, very well said (if I may say so). When our nervous/ hormonal system is severely overly-excited, the brain-body will automatically shut down and the person will withdraw from any and all social interactions. It is therefore very important to get good at calming ourselves down whenever needed. I do it along this thinking: this over-excitement in between my ears is not necessary. It doesn’t help me deal with the external situation. More and more so, this thinking by itself helps me to calm down/ regulate my emotions.

“I am noticing some details I think I missed then…. he went: I think it’s time to go eat something, what are you doing for the rest of the day?“- when I read what he said (italicized), my first thought was that he wanted the two of you to eat together.

“I felt rejected like maybe he wanted me to leave. I said go home and eat as well“- but your first thought, expecting rejections, was that he wanted you to go away so that he can go and eat without you.

“He didn’t ask me until right before we had to go our separate ways so maybe he was trying to get the courage to ask me?“- I think so, plus fearing rejection himself, he didn’t have enough courage to ask you directly to join him for a meal in a Turkish restaurant, so he went about it indirectly, asking you about your plans for the day (same as his indirect approach in regard to the pub).

“Every time we came to a standstill, my approach was to just go back to square one and talking like friends“- or, you can attempt an honest, direct conversation with him. It will take courage and emotion regulation: two things with which you already experienced success.

anita