Dear Dan:

I figured that if I re-read your posts, incorporating new information into the old, maybe I can offer you something new in regard to self-parenting. I re-read and it seems to me that a necessary part of self-parenting for you would be awakening dormant emotions, skillfully and as gently as it can be done- in the context of therapy and the practice of Trauma-informed Mindfulness.

You shared that you suffer from attachment trauma. psych central on the topic: “Attachment trauma is ‘a consistent disruption of physical and emotional safety in the family system. It is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you... Relationships can trigger your nervous system to go into fight, flight or freeze“-

– what this means to me, is that what happened inside you was that some of your very strong emotions took flight from your awareness and  froze.

“I was coming off of a bad 12 year relationship… our relationship wasn’t bad“- this is an example of what I mean when I say frozen emotions, or emotions that took flight from your awareness.

“We hold no ill will or bad feelings toward each other”, you wrote in regard to your ex-girlfriend of 12 years. “I have no resentment towards my brother we still talk”, you wrote in regard to your brother-  seems to me, again,  that bad feelings and resentment are frozen inside you and that you need them to awaken ... skillfully and gently.

“She has 2 kids from a previous relationship aged 10 and 14… I slept on the couch. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t sleep in my stepson’s room. I think it was because I didn’t want to as it’s his space… I was sexually abused..  by my brother…  once when I was about 8-9“-

– her son is close in age (particularly if he is the 10 year-old), to the age you were when sexually abused for the last time (if I understand correctly). Perhaps the reason you didn’t think about using his bed was that your frozen emotions in regard to the abuse you suffered thawed just a bit: so to keep you away from his bed, but not enough to make the reason known to you.

psych central : “Trauma-informed mindfulness is a mindfulness practice that’s adapted to the unique needs of trauma survivors. Traditional mindfulness practices assume that everyone has the capacity to engage in any mindfulness activity and also benefit from it. But a trauma-informed approach acknowledges that some aspects of mindfulness can be activating for trauma survivors… In meditation, we ask people to bring close, sustained attention to their inner world… This inevitably brings someone face-to-face with their trauma. That’s not automatically a bad thing, but unless someone has specific tools to work with the pain they encounter, they can end up overwhelmed in their meditation practice… Stillness can be activating for traumatized individuals, even worsening symptoms. Trauma-informed mindfulness works to avoid triggers and overwhelm, while also strengthening a person’s ability to face painful experiences…

“According to modern understandings of post-traumatic stress, memories and emotions from trauma are often stored in the body. Consequently, some people with a history of trauma tend to feel disconnected from their bodies — known as dissociation- as a defense mechanism… A trauma-informed approach to mindfulness works by modifying traditional meditation practices with grounding, anchoring, and self-regulation techniques to maintain balance in the nervous system, which can help traumatized people manage their symptoms and feel safer in their bodies… many therapists have found success in bringing mindfulness into their work with clients, particularly those who practice trauma-focused therapy (TFT) and  emotionally-focused therapy (EFTT)…

“Listening to our emotions is a form of mindfulness… This practice helps us to move through traumatic experiences with gentleness and compassion… Learning to tune into our whole experience allows us to show up with compassion and love for the part of us who has been feeling alone… This is transformational.”

*Emotionally focused therapy centers around relationships and attachment styles (sounds perfect for you, since you shared about reading about and watching videos about attachment trauma and attachment styles.

anita