Dear Caroline:

First, C o N g R a T u L a T i O n s   ! ! ! for standing up for yourself and being assertive twice: with the guy and at the bakery!!!!!!!!!! As you can see with all these exclamation marks, I am excited for you!!!

“I was scared… it gave me courage“- courage is about doing something that needs to be done even though you are scared of doing it.

“It felt scary but also relieving and empowering“- as you proceed to stand up for yourself again and again, the fear will still be there. It will take time for the empowering part to take hold, so that you are no longer scared (or no longer significantly scared).

“I think he understood, he was very quiet about it, though, so not sure what the outcome will be in the future and how he will act at work, etc. May be difficult. So it’s ‘to be continued’ for sure“- it is very important that you don’t think of your success in terms of how he reacts to you standing up for yourself, but instead, think of your success in terms of how you acted, standing up for yourself, and how you will continue to act, standing up for yourself.

You wrote about him yesterday: “He usually intimidates and bullies me“. When you’ve been bullied and abused for a while (“Is my friend abusing me? is the title of your thread, and my answer was: yes!), and then you stand up for yourself, asserting yourself, a seasoned  bully is not likely to argue with you, but appear quiet and accepting. This way, you feel relieved, you think that maybe the problem is over, and you are less guarded. But then,  over time, he tries to wear you down by disrespecting your assertion: here and there and yet again, until you forget you ever stood up for yourself and you are back in the same bullied situation.

This is why it is very important to be on guard in regard to the bully and to never give up on your assertion: be persistent! He is likely to disrespect your assertions over time, but don’t join his disrespect of you!

“I told her Sorry I was here first. And I started saying my order. I know it may seem silly“- it is far from being silly because every opportunity you have to stand up for yourself, to assert yourself, is as valuable an opportunity as any other. It takes practice and for you to have enough practice, you need to take advantage of as many opportunities that are available to you.

“When something like this happens I do not have normal pulse or no stress, as they say, to be able to scan the environment and plan better. No, I start to have panic attack and start being angry but I just stand there, do nothing and walk away.. Not sure if this is the typical freeze response“- it is part of the Flight, Fight and Freeze Response: your heart works harder sending more blood to your legs and arms, so to prepare you to run (flight) or fight, BUT you Freeze (you just stand there).

The Freeze response (playing dead) in the wild happens when an animal is trapped by a predator and has no chance of success running or fighting (ex., the cougar is right there, and if the possum tries to run, the cougar will chase it and catch it; if the possum tries to fight, the cougar will win, but if the possum plays dead, the cougar may walk away because a cougar is stimulated by chasing a running prey). In your case, like in the bakery, you are not in a life and death danger, it only feels like you are in a life and death danger.

The first thing to say to yourself, so to calm the panic, is: I am not in real life and death danger. Same with the guy.

“Do you have any helpful websites or youtube videos about freeze response? I really would like to read more how to overcome it“- I just found a blog in the tapping solution. com/ ..understanding freeze response, that explains Freeze well. It includes a title Freeing yourself from Freeze, which recommends tapping therapy. I have little experience with tapping, but I know that it helps, when anxious, to practice a … kind of acupressure on yourself: applying physical pressure with the thumb or tip of fingers of one hand on the back of the other hand (or on the forehead or sides of the head). For me, it shifts the focus from the abstract, anxious, thinking-brain to the concrete physical pressure. You can experiment with it.

Thank you for expressing your appreciation and you are welcome!

anita