Dear Caroline:

You are welcome and of course I am reading what you wrote, and thank you for wishing me a good day!

“I never felt I belong to my family. My mom’s family never liked me, my dad or my mom…  grandparents or uncles never talked to us… They just rejected.. us“- your grandparents and uncles on your mother’s side were pretty aggressive and rude, weren’t they?

“My dad’s family was similar. They did not like my mom, they also thought my dad was a disappointment, never achieved anything, so everyone supported his sister and her family. They were a royalty in our family“- your family on your father’s side were also pretty aggressive and rude, weren’t they? I assume that growing up, you wished that your father’s family treated you and your parents as royalty- that would have felt heavenly!

Your work colleague has been aggressive and rude to you and to other work colleagues. You wrote about him earlier: “He usually intimidates and bullies me… he has been pretty aggressive and rude to people at work“. But when this aggressive and rude man makes an exception for you, and treats you nicely, or royally…  it feels heavenly, doesn’t it?

In your post an hour ago, this is just what happened, he treated you nicely and it felt quite heavenly, like success feels:  “I have to admit there is a success, my ex-friend was very polite to me today in front of other people, he even asked me questions which I do not think it was necessary to ask“- I think that your work colleague reminds you of your aggressive and rude family members, and therefore, when he makes an exception to his usual behavior and is nice… it feels like it would have felt if your family members would have treated you this nicely, and you hope that from now on, he will always treat you well.

“Seemed like he wanted to say something“- perhaps you wish he’d apologize for all the times he was rude, and tell you that you are worthy of being treated well, that he is proud of you… something you wished growing up that your rude family members would say, something you wished/ wish that your mother (who was/is ashamed of you) would say?

“I remember what you wrote – it can be deceiving, I doubt he changed his all personality in two weeks. He will probably return to his behavior and I need to be cautious“- notice: you doubt that he changed his personality in 2 weeks, but a part of you hope that he did.  Be cautious about projecting your childhood experience growing up into your current, adult-life situations. Our powerful cravings born in childhood, cravings to finally be appreciated and valued and  treated well: these cravings transfer into adulthood and can get us stuck in unhealthy situations. In your unhealthy work situation, as I understand it, you are stuck in a situation where you crave a rude man’s change of attitude and behavior: from aggressive and rude =>  appreciative and kind.

It is about the impossible task of trying to resolve childhood conflicts by proxy, using other people in our adult lives as substitutes to the people who mistreated us when we were children.

anita