Dear Nala1234:

I will organize what you shared in your original post in chronological order, best I can (what happened first, what happened second, etc.), using mostly your exact words: I had my fair share of family relationship issues. I haven’t ever felt so loved, or close to another human. I always suffered from mild anxiety and self-esteem issues. I met my boyfriend 5 years ago and we moved in together about a year and a half ago. We have been through a lot together. We have grown so much in this time. We are not perfect, but we are strong, kind, loving, supporting, and we cherish our relationship.  About a month ago, out of the blue, I started having extremely intrusive thoughts about ending our relationship. I have breakdowns, panic attacks, and cannot function properly. It scared me so bad that I have started therapy. My therapist is focusing more on my childhood and family issues right now, but she is not helping me stop these thoughts and feelings.

My understanding of what happened, based on your three posts: your childhood experience growing up, particularly your relationships with your parents/ immediate family, occasionally involved severe anxiety for you. Like children do, over time, you repressed as much as possible of that anxiety, pushing it down and away from your awareness. But because emotional repression cannot be done perfectly and there are cracks, some of the anxiety kept seeping through the cracks and to the surface, and therefore, you” have always suffered from mild anxiety”.

A month ago, the severe anxiety did not just seep through to the surface (in the form of mild anxiety), it erupted to the surface in its original form: severe anxiety.

“About a month ago, out of the blue, I started having extremely intrusive thoughts about ending our relationship… In my head I picture telling him that I don’t love him anymore… I picture getting on a plane and leaving…(if I stay) I will just be an anxious mess, I won’t enjoy anything so might as well just leave now“-

– this, I figure, is how you repeatedly felt as a child: you were “an anxious mess” who didn’t enjoy anything, who wanted to end her relationships with her immediate family and who pictured herself getting on a plane and leaving her unhappy home.

“I don’t feel like my life growing up was anything out of the ordinary“- unfortunately, you are quite correct: growing  up in an unhappy home is quite ordinary.

“I never felt unloved by my parents, I don’t think.“- you don’t think, but it is not how you feel.

“there isn’t one single event that may have caused they anxieties I am having“- there hasn’t been a single event in the home you grew up in that made you feel “so loved or close to another human” either (“another human” includes your parents/ family members).

“it really feels like I can’t trust myself because it is my own brain shouting unwanted things at me“- I think that your brain is letting you know that some changes need to be done in the context of your relationships with your immediate family.

Your 6th sentence in our original post, in regard to your boyfriend: “We… have built the most beautiful life together in a really beautiful place that feels like home“- it is not only positive feelings or positive longings that came up for you when living with your boyfriend; it is also negative feelings that came up,  memories of feelings.. that emotional “impossible, never ending loop” experience that you mentioned at the end of your second post.

In your third post, you elaborated on that impossible-never-ending loop: “I base a lot of my happiness on the happiness of… my immediate family. If they are unhappy I blame myself… and I think all of that pressure is making me crack. it is just so hard to stop this cycle and I am not really sure how to stop it because it does come from a good place of wanting to help and wanting to see them thrive and be happy“- reads to me like you are still, presently, trying to make your immediate family happy and it is too much pressure for you. This pressure caused your severe anxiety to erupt to the surface through the cracks of imperfect repression. It is time for you to really leave your immediate family home behind  (something you’ve wanted to do for a long, long time, isn’t it?), to give up on your old goal in life (to make your immediate family happy), and to form a new, fresh goal.

“right now I was really looking for some immediate relief from these thoughts“- seeing a medical doctor for possible psychiatric evaluation and medication is an option that may bring you that immediate relief.

“it is really really hard for me to pin point where I should try to start healing“- quality psychotherapy will be best. You may need an immediate relief option (medication and/ or regular, daily mindfulness practices) while attending therapy so that you can benefit from therapy.

I would like to read more from you.

anita