Dear Caroline:

“He does this to feel superior… acting superior by showing me how merciful and wonderful he is, being polite to me”- the ….Superior one showing mercy to the Inferior one?

“He needs people, needs audience. He is friends with cleaning lady, 50ish lady who listens to him, is polite, does not argue with him and looks up to him because impresses her. Even when he has days off he calls her to talk. I now know he needs her”- he needs her to look up to him, so that he can feel Superior.

“My coworkers, a guy (M) and a girl.. they know (G) used to say we were friends… I texted (M) later that day that there is no friendship anymore between me and G…. But I still worry (M) may think (G) and I will make up”- it is as if what The Superior one (G) says is.. superior to what the alleged Inferior one says, and therefore what he says is believable and powerful, and what you say.. is not believable and weak…?

“Unfortunately this is my life. I do not have boundaries and people walk over me. I show them I do not respect myself. Even when talking in a group I noticed everyone talks confidently, calmly and slowly and I speak fast…  like a kid who is not allowed to speak… I think people notice that and start to not respect me when they see I have no confidence… Sometimes I feel like I’m crawling. degrading“-

-in the animal world, when a predator (ex. cougar) approaches potential prey (ex. opossum): there are only 3 options for the potential prey: Fight, Flight or Freeze. There is no predator-pleasing behaviors (akin to people-pleasing) in the predator-prey context because such would be akin to volunteering oneself to be the predator’s dinner, sooner than later.

Animal-pleasing behaviors (akin to people-pleasing behaviors) happen in the context of social  animals living in social groups where one individual threatens another individual of the same species, within the group with physical injury or death. The aggressor is not a predator: it doesn’t want to eat the one threatened, it only wants to subdue it. Therefore, when the one threatened acts weak, small, submissive and pleasing-to-the-aggressor, the aggressor is satisfied and withdraws the aggressive threat for the time being.  This happens in the context of social animals who live in social groups, such as elk, deer, wolves, coyotes, chimpanzees and humans.

A submissive chimpanzee submits by crouching (bending the knees and moving the upper body forward) bowing (lowering the torso and head), so to appear shorter and smaller in front of the aggressor, having a fear grin on its face and sometimes it  whimpers.  A submissive wolf submits by lying on its back and exposing its sensitive underbelly, or staying low to the ground, appearing smaller, weaker. A dominant wolf does the opposite: standing tall, appearing strong! A submissive dog will lower its head, lie down, making its body looking smaller, hiding, avoid eye contact, etc.

Dominance hierarchy is a form of animal social structure where each animal is dominant over those below it and submissive to those above it in the hierarchy. A dominance hierarchy serves to maintain order in the social group and therefore, it promotes the survival and well-being of the individuals within the group: it has a positive value. Even in human society there is positive value to dominance hierarchy when it comes to such contexts as the family (parents need to be dominant over children, although not abusively of course), and the work place (without appropriate dominance, there will be very limited, if any productivity).

BUT in too many human contexts a dominance hierarchy has no positive value, and only a negative value: it lowers productivity, and it lowers the well-being of the individuals within the group. For example, your past submission to G kept you mentally unwell and it kept him.. well, unwell too. No winner, really.

In the dynamics between the Superior/ dominant individual and the Inferior/ submissive individual (of the same species), the individual seeking superiority and dominance does not really want to fight because he/ she/ it may lose the fight and/ or get injured. It wants to AVOID a fight by threatening the other from a distance. If he/she/it is successful and the threatened one submits, that’s a personal win for the aggressor without bothering with actual, physical aggression. It is my belief that in the human every day context, when it comes to aggressors like G,  If the threatened one does not submit, the aggressor will most often withdraw and rarely fight.

I will stop here and if/ whenever you want to respond to this post, please do.

anita