Dear Sadlyconfused:

You are very welcome. I understand your need for a good solid block of quiet time to respond. Thank you for being concerned that I would take it personally that you don’t respond as quickly as I do (taking things personally is indeed my tendency).

“Interestingly, I’m self-conscious of coming across to others as ingratiating and potentially insincere in my gratitude… being ‘too nice’…  As you say: ‘most people are not that careful with their language’“- something for me to remind myself whenever I take a person’s wording personally. Also, I need to pay attention in regard to a person’s writing: how is the person trying to appear (nice but not too nice, in your case), and in response to what earlier-life criticism (‘you’re too nice! ).

“It’s the fear of the unpleasant sensations of anxiety and shame that I fear more than the actual situation“- in regard to many actual situations, different people feel differently (fitting different interpretations)  about the same actual situation.

“One thing I’ve struggled with ever since I was a child is the feeling of unworthiness when I fear something innocuous, like a conversation with what I perceive to be an authority figure… when the physical sensations happen (flushed face, trembling voice) it turns into panic and shame over having such an ‘over the top’ reaction… It seems that the goal is to be the kind, assertive, emotionally mature adult for ourselves in the present day, which our caregivers failed to be“- imagine that you have a child whose face is flushed and voice trembles.. you wouldn’t shame the child for these things, saying something like: what is wrong with you?! Why is your face flushed?! etc. Instead, you’d express empathy for the anxious child (and the child will calm down as a result). Next time your face flushes etc., try to peel off the shame about the symptoms from the fear that caused the symptoms, so that what remains is the fear itself. You can deal with the fear better without the shame getting stuck to it like hair on soap!

“I read this with wide eyes and huge empathy for you as it all sounds so familiar and I know how deeply it hurts. I’m so sorry that you had to endure this kind of insidious abuse too. Thank you so much for sharing and relating because in doing so it helps me to have more empathy for what I myself went through“- empathy for yourself is key! And thank you for your empathy for me.

“I think ultimately we’ve had very understandable human reactions to very unfortunate circumstances; our brains had to wire themselves in the way they did for survival“- it is interesting how we take personal responsibility for nature-determined reactions that have nothing to do with personal choice. Ex: we are not personally responsible for our voice trembling when we feel fear any more than a dog is responsible for whimpering when afraid.

“My father lived only 25 minutes away by car and I think even if I had more physical distance I would have still felt like he could drive round the corner at any minute“- what scares us about our childhood’s tormentor is the images of their face, the sound of their voice, their words.. these all “live” in the short distance in between our ears.

“A big weight did drop from my shoulders a few days after I learned that he had passed away“- Understandably. The images in-between the ears are not so scary when we really, really know that these are only memories.

anita