Dear Caroline:

“I am not good with words or expressing my feelings but I wanted to say just makes me happy you wrote again“- you are good with words as far as I am concerned,  just makes me happy– is as clear and expressive as can be!

I wrote to you: “I used to always be cautious around people, always ready to let them know… that I know that I am inferior, so that.. they’ll go easy on me, so that they won’t hurt me too much“, and you responded: “I never realized what was the reason that I always want to make people feel better about themselves. It is a constant in my life“- it’s about letting the person we fear at the moment know that we accept their superiority so that they calm down and lose the motivation to show us via actual aggression (hurting us in some way) that they are indeed superior to us.

“I no longer feel guilty or dishonest. I know I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office… I stay true to myself“- excellent! Remind yourself of this truth whenever you need a reminder.

“Thank you for explaining the dominance hierarchy in animal world… I believe this is exactly what is going on between me and my ex-friend coworker. I never thought about it this way. I was afraid of him, I am realizing that every day now. Since I got out of this friendship I feel less and less influenced by him, which also means feeling less afraid“- you are welcome. (1) Isn’t it interesting that what happens in the animal world also happens in the human workplace world? It is not surprising because humans are animals after all, (2) What you used to refer to as friendship with this work colleague was really a dominance hierarchy relationship, wasn’t it?

“On Saturday we had this meeting will all coworkers in pizzeria… We were all waiting for him almost an hour. He came 1:50 PM, two of coworkers got up to say hello, and then he said ‘no no, first I prefer to wash my hands’ and left. He did not come back until 8-10 minutes later.  His behavior was so.. rude does not even describe it“- I would describe his behavior as rude and dominant.

“It was weird because they do not know me that well and I could ‘pretend’ I am some other person, not inferior to them. It is difficult. I do not want to pretend I am someone else but I cannot act like I always do. It so difficult and confusing, but I am trying everyday now“- Fake it till you make it is a principle and a practice taught in psychotherapy. Pretending in the context of emotional healing and learning of new, healthy behaviors, is a good thing (not a bad thing).  My excellent therapist at the time taught me this. So, please do pretend, do fake it… until you make it (which means, until the new behaviors feel natural).

“I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat“- when you notice a freeze reaction, if it is possible for you, take some time away from the situation, take a few slow breaths,  and write down in a journal specific for this exercise: how do I feel? (include all sensations, like heart beating faster, feeling hot in the face, etc.), what was the actual situation that brought about these feelings and sensations? (ex., a work colleague looked at me with what seemed like anger in his face), what were my thoughts following the situation? (ex. the work colleague thinks I am a liar and he wants to hurt me). You can share your journal entries here and I will show you how I was taught to continue this particular exercise.

“Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that“- in the second half of the same journal above (or in a separate journal) answer the same questions as above, and share them here, if you’d like.

“On Saturday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child. “- excellent job, congratulations for this success!!!

anita