Dear Dionne:

You wrote at the very ending of your original post, in parenthesis: “I noticed that writing this post came easy and came quickly, and I hate how I cannot transfer the same ability to my work“, your work being a book you’ve been writing for the last three years.

I think that the reason the writing of your original post came easy and quickly for you is because here, you presented yourself as a person who needs help (which you do), and you were hoping that perhaps you will be helped, but in regard to writing the book, you needed help for a long time and… no help: “I’ve had no solid help with my writing“.

A person who is in need for help for a long time, and who does not receive any real help, panics: “For the last three years, I have been waking up in panic attacks, dread, and cold sweats. I think about suicide constantly“.

A part of you is okay with the publisher giving up on you (“part of me feels relieved as I can release myself from the…  sheer torture the process has been“), but another part of you is not okay with thinking of yourself as a failure and a fraud (“I’ll think of myself as a failure… I fear I’ll prove myself to be a fraud“), and with  being thought of as a failure (“I feel people will think of me as a failure… I fear I’ll be a laughingstock amongst some“).

“What do you do to help yourself when you feel hopeless and as if your life is falling apart? How to find the confidence you once had?“-

– when you wrote your original post here, you did it with honesty and humility: you expressed your feelings honestly and you humbly asked for help. On the other hand, before and/ or during the process of writing the book (seems to me),  you lost your honesty and humility and imagined that you were supposed to be a super person/ super writer because people thought that you were super (“many people think of me as smart…People have found value in the insights and thoughts I’ve shared on social media. It has brought thousands of followers from various sectors, such as famous artists, psychologists, authors,…I’ve been met with overwhelming support“), so you were driven to produce a super, perfect book and fell short.

If I am correct in my understanding so far, I’d say: get that honesty and humility back to the writing/ completion of the book, perhaps add a… humble preface. With exceptional honesty and humility, your book will indeed be super!

anita