Dear Catherine:

I just realized that I addressed you two days ago with the wrong name. My reply above was rushed, so I want to reply again today. First, information regarding Autism and Anger from two websites. The 2nd is in regard to children, but everything I quoted from it applies to adults as well.

autism help.org: “Common causes of anger in relation to autism spectrum disorders: * Being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation * Other people’s behavior e.g. insensitive comments, being ignored, * Having routines and order disrupted, * Difficulties with employment and relationships despite being intelligent in many areas, * Intolerance of imperfections in others, * Buildup of stress.”

hidden talents aba. com/autism and anger: “Causes of anger in autistic children: * Being overwhelmed by multiple tasks: Anyone with autism, including autistic children, can get easily overwhelmed and frustrated when asked to perform several tasks at the same time. This is particularly the case when a new task is combined with the routine one and when tasks need prioritizing. * Sensory overload: Children with autism have fragile sensory systems that can easily get overloaded. Responding with anger outbursts and aggressive behaviors is sometimes simply an automatic reaction to being physically uncomfortable in situations that cause sensory overload. *Feeling helpless: All the unwritten rules and unpredictability’s of daily life may be hard to navigate for autistic children, regardless of their level of functioning. They don’t always fully understand what is going on around them and act out aggressively out of frustration. * Change in routine: Children on the autism spectrum can become distressed when their routines are changed. Unexpected events like having to take a different route to school or eat a different type of breakfast cereal can increase the child’s anxiety levels. The feelings of confusion and helplessness may cause a meltdown. Other people’s behavior: Children struggling with autism may take great offense to insensitive comments that their neurotypical peers would judge as harmless humor. Being ignored, whether on purpose or by accident, is another possible trigger for angry outbursts. Intolerance of imperfections in others: Anger-related behavior in autistic children can be caused indirectly by other people and their perceived imperfections, such as a high-pitched voice or fast speaking pace, for example.  Stress and anxiety: All the elements listed above can potentially lead to built-up stress and anxiety in autistic children. Whereas some will react by becoming depressed, others will get angry. If they have no tools which can help them manage stress and anxiety, they will experience meltdowns. ”

And now to your original post, in regard to his Autism and Anger: “After a couple of months he began making really subtle mean comments that were clearly disparaging but in a roundabout almost ‘passive aggressive’ manner...  The last time I was with him he seemed very angry and detached (cold, little affection) and there was just an overall negative vibe/energy to the whole experience. I walked him to the train station and he was still fairly aloof…”-

– it could have been his intolerance to perceived imperfections in you, that caused his anger. It could have been the sound of your voice, the look on your face, a scent.. could be anything. Maybe he said something and you did not respond to that particular thing that he said, and he felt ignored. When you walked him to the train station,  it could have been that he normally walks to the train station alone and it was outside his normal routine to walk with someone else. Maybe he was tired, or hungry… or he ate too much.. any physical discomfort can feel overwhelming to a person on the spectrum, and  easily escalate stress buildup, resulting in anger.

“I blocked him… He ended up reaching out… and stated ‘that wasn’t my intent’. He claimed his autism made it hard for him to relay jokes and all of the negative comments he’d made were just jokes and he would be more careful moving forward”- I bet that it is true that it is hard for him to relay jokes, but I don’t believe that it was not his intent to hurt your feelings because this intent is universally in the core of the emotion of anger: an angry person is emotionally motivated to hurt the target of their anger.

He told you that he “would be more careful moving forward”- seems to me that he has been careful all along with you: he made subtle (instead of obvious and crude) disparaging comments to you, and he was passive-aggressive (instead of being outright aggressive).

“Why do I feel a sense of hanging regret or wonder what if I’d given him a second chance?“- the regret may be a lingering effect from how you felt during the first two dates which “were almost dreamy and he really seemed like an ideal fit”.

“Am I cruel for not accommodating his lack of communication and really mean comments and ‘jokes’?“- I think that you would be cruel to yourself if you accommodated his anger (while at the same time, you would be enabling him to continue his passive aggression toward you).

anita