Dear Dan:

I want to complete my last reply to you in the hope that it will be helpful: In your original post more than a month ago (Sept 16), you wrote: “We both love each other but I guess the timing is bad… I want to hold onto hope that maybe once the kids get a bit older then we could reunite. She even told me this. But for now we aren’t seeing one another and we haven’t been communicating and it’s been hard“- right from the beginning of your thread, you understood that the separation had a lot to do with her being a mother to two minor-age children from a previous relationship, and in your very first post, you established the fact that you love her very much and that you want to reunite with her.

Still in the quote above, you wrote that she loves you (“We love each other”). In the five pages of your thread,  there’s been a lot of analysis of the marriage and separation, including some analysis of your past and her past before you entered each other’s lives. Such analyses can be very helpful if and when the two of you did reunite (or in the context of a future relationship with another woman), but for now- as there is no evidence of a motivation on her part to reunite with you- such analyses, seems to me, are keeping you stuck heartbroken, overthinking and ruminating.

Your love and longing for her motivate you to want to get together and spend time with her. This is what feelings/ emotions are about: motivating us to take some action.  You repeatedly initiated contact with her and she turned you down. This means that she is not motivated to get together with you. It is possible that she secretly longs to be with you, experiencing loving feelings for you, but is not sharing them with you. But it is also possible that… she no longer experiences loving feelings for you. Her guilt (in regard to not being a good-enough mother to her children by having you in her life,  and in regard to not having been a good wife to you), may have “killed” her loving feelings to you because she associates guilt with you, and therefore: No Dan (in her life) = No Guilt. From personal experience, guilt chases loving feelings away like nothing else.

Coming to think about it, maybe you can check with her if the above is true. If it is true for her, then she may feel a relief from her guilt by knowing that you understand her love vs guilt conflict, and if there still is love underneath her guilt, that love may rise to the surface once again. Initiating a direct communication on the topic of her guilt may be a step forward:  either toward a reunion or toward giving up your hope for a reunion. I wish you peace of mind today and every day as you move forward.

anita