Dear Sadlyconfused:

I re-read my reply of 4 days ago and I want to add to it. “It’s the fear of the unpleasant sensations of anxiety and shame that I fear more than the actual situation“-

The only things we (humans and other animals) fear is painful/ very distressing emotions. All actual situations (objective reality) are translated into emotion (subjective reality). When facing a predator in the woods, a potential prey will run away- not because of the mere sight/ sound/ smell of the predator (the sensed objective reality), but because the resulting fear is so intense, so distressing, that the animal is very highly motivated to get rid of that intense fear, and the way to get rid of it the quickest is to immediately run away to safety and as quickly possible.

Shame is a combination of a very painful emotion and thoughts, it is a bit more complex than fear, but still: what we fear is not the objective reality but the emotion of shame. We do what we do to get rid of shame as quickly as possible. A very important part of healing is to distinguish between actual situations that present us with real, clear-and-present-danger, and situations that are not dangerous, yet they activate intense fear in us as if they were dangerous. Same thing with shame: to distinguish between situations where we really wronged others and situations where … we didn’t but we feel as if we did.

As far as the painful mental-emotional habit of feeling shame when not doing wrong to others (or feeling intense shame for small wrongdoings, or for normal mistakes and/ or feeling intense shame regardless and long after we apologized and made amends), it is important to go back in time and figuratively hand that shame back to the shaming authority figure (usually a parent) where the shame belongs. In my case, I went back in time and handed my mother the shame that belongs to her. It is not a one-time visualization, but a repeated one. I am doing it again right now, as I type these words: in my mind’s eye, I see my mother and I say to her: This is your shame… not mine. I mistakenly carried your shame on my shoulders all these years… but it was never mine! I then place that package of shame by her feet and I walk away, leaving her and her shame behind me.

anita