Thank you for the many thoughts and kind thoughtful ideas. My daughter has seemed a bit better for a few days. She went to a yarn store with me one day and actually went along to my buddhist service I go to sometimes. I felt very happy having her with me there. I took a mental snapshot for my memory banks.  It was peaceful just sitting by her in the silence.

I thought about the theory Anita raised that she may be angry at me and seeking to get a lot of attention now… and I think that rings true. I know I am a good enough mother but not perfect…it turns out that she had lots of anxieties growing up that we were not aware of. She was not able to express them so we did not know. She seemed happy on the outside, healthy, had friends. But inside she was anxious…she is not able to explain it all to me but I will keep trying to understand and I told her I’m sorry I wasn’t able to delve into it when there were no clear symptoms. It’s not my fault but I feel guilty. But maybe I can atone for the unawareness now by trying to listen and  apologizing in subtle ways when I don’t understand her feelings as they are often confusing and  I keep trying to understand. Once at the beginning  I even tried to take notes but she hated that very much.

Also, I wish I could hug her or rock her but she does not like anything like that. She will let me hug her for a second occasionally but I try not to because she prefers not to be touched. She does not like a lot of sensory things like certain noises, fabrics, food textures…I have to be careful about all that.

I don’t understand how to get her to do anything. People suggest ideas but I’ve quite given up on telling her ideas. I invite her places I’m going  or suggest fun things she might like for example yarn shopping… but I cannot compel her to exercise, get a job, go on walks, volunteer. She is so tired. I did get an appointment for her doctor to recheck all her labs in a couple weeks and ask about a sleep study in case she has sleep apnea. She will take a nap and wake up tired.  I will tell her doctor my concerns about that.

I know there are a lot more parents having a very hard time as well. I went to a support group and was staggered by the long term suffering of parents over 20-30 years. Humans are amazing in our care for others. Thank you for caring to read this!