Dear Melissa:

You are welcome. First, about mothering and guilt: “I know I am a good enough mother but not perfect… It’s not my fault but I feel guilty. But maybe I can atone for the unawareness now by trying to listen..“- being a mother in today’s world is a very, very… very difficult job. First, what mother can possibly be as calm as it takes- and consistently calm- in today’s world (climate change, political extremism, increasing crime, etc., etc.). Even if you were a perfect human specimen, Melissa, you wouldn’t be able to insulate and protect your children from all the perils that they face and will face outside your home.  There has been too much trauma and trouble in humanity for too long and no parent has come out of his/ her own childhood unscathed. (I am not explaining away or excusing abuse, not at all, but I don’t think abuse is the case when it comes to you and your daughter). So, please be easy on yourself, Melissa because you are a good mother!

“I will keep trying to understand and I told her I’m sorry I wasn’t able to delve into it when there were no clear symptoms“- sincerely trying to understand her and expressing remorse about not having understood her before… makes you a good mother.

“I wish I could hug her or rock her but she does not like anything like that. She will let me hug her for a second occasionally but I try not to because she prefers not to be touched. She does not like a lot of sensory things like certain noises, fabrics, food textures“-

– Tactile sensitivity or tactile defensiveness are terms used to describe the overreaction that occurs when someone is too sensitive to touch: the skin is too sensitive to the textures and tightness of clothes, to hair brushing, to the feel of sweat on the skin (when physically exerting oneself and/ or when it’s hot), etc…. it all feels uncomfortable. Autistic children and adults frequently report tactile defensiveness.

Hyperesthesia refers to increased sensitivity of any of one’s senses:  sight (lights feel too intense), sound (sounds feel too loud), touch, and smell. It can affect just one or all of one’s senses. “Children with autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are more likely to develop hyperesthesia… Hyperesthesia can be unsettling and may cause pain, fear, and anxiety in those who live with it. Hyperesthesia can exist on its own or as a symptom of another related health condition…. your doctors will try to diagnose the root cause so it can be treated effectively” (healthline. com).

“if she socializes she feels fake and worse after… It turns out that she had lots of anxieties growing up that we were not aware of. She was not able to express them so we did not know. She seemed happy on the outside, healthy, had friends. But inside she was anxious“- seems like she faked it for a long time so to appear happy and healthy and please you this way. I wonder if she feels guilty for no longer being able (or willing) to fake it anymore…?

anita