Dear famaz:

Growing up with two much older and unkind siblings, you were lonely. At 19 you lost your mother to cancer and you lost your father at 37 or 38 (six months ago) to the same kind of cancer. Your father used to lie to you a lot and was “very sneaky and passive aggressive” with you and with everyone else.  When he got remarried, it was a surprise to you because he didn’t tell you about it. His new wife successfully drove a wedge between you and your father, and your father, who paid for your education abroad and was there for you when you had problems, never took your side when it came to fights between him and his wife. You noticed that he felt good about you and his wife competing for his affections.

You loved the subject matter you studied abroad, you love your job and you do your best every day. You always had a purpose and achieved most of your objectives. Now, at 38,  both parents passed away and you find yourself surrounded by “loser people who don’t know what to do with themselves and their lives… have no purpose… many bad people… bad company“.

“But like every person in this world I don`t want to die alone… any suggestions about helping me to gradually open up, or any similar experiences are really appreciated“-

-regarding similar experiences, yes, I had a similar experience and I will share it with you: my mother was a combination of passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive, different behaviors at different times. She lied to me and to herself a whole lot. I tried to get her to communicate with me honestly (when I was a teenager, I remember) but to no avail, zero success on my part. She gossiped about everyone and I am sure that I was not an exception (she gossiped about my sister, after all). And she portrayed everyone as bad and untrustworthy… including myself. No surprise then that I grew up distrusting everyone… including myself. This meant a very lonely life for me.

My loneliness was acute while growing up and as an adult (I am older than you). It was a very unpleasant experience to grow up with a mother who I disrespected for her dishonesty, gossip and more. I didn’t feel close to her, to say the least. And I didn’t feel close to anyone else (she made it clear to me that no one deserves my trust).

I want to reply to you further, but before I do, I will wait for your thoughts about what I shares so far.

anita