Dear famaz:

I always found the concept of forgiveness problematic, or easily misunderstood and misused. There are plenty of people who push forgiveness on people (people in my life, in the past), suggesting that if you don’t forgive, you are a bad person (yet to become a good and forgive), or a sick person (yet to become a healthy person… and forgive). But what do people who push forgiveness mean by forgiveness?

If they mean that to forgive means to not take the law into your own hands and exact revenge… and end up in jail, etc., I agree that forgiveness is a good thing. If they mean to no longer suffer from ongoing anger, which leads to health problems such as high blood pressure..  I agree that forgiveness is a good thing. But if they (whomever they are) mean that it is okay to push your anger down and berate yourself for still feeling angry, I disagree. If they mean that it is okay to and to keep going back to the people who hurt you (even if they are no longer actively hurting you) and suffer for it, I disagree that forgiveness is a good thing. It depends what forgiveness means…

When you feel intense anger at someone and for a long time, you can command yourself to no longer feel anger (in the name of forgiveness), but anger does not obey commands: It has a message for you,  and it will not go away until it is fully heard.

“Because of my situation of not having my mom around me, some people tried to take advantage of it, or try to mislead me intentionally… I’m actually working on forgiving those kinds of people, not for them, but for myself. I don’t dream to hang out with them or see them. They are not trustworthy at all“- the benefit in forgiving, for you, would be to no longer suffer the distress involved in keeping anger inside you, right? In that quest, you have to first thoroughly listen to the message your anger has for you, to fully understand what they did to you, that it was wrong to do it to you, that you didn’t deserve it, and that the Wrong belongs to Them, not to You.

You are welcome to explore and process the message in your anger here, on your thread, if you feel comfortable enough doing so. As a matter of fact, if it works for you, we can do it together: I will further process my anger while you process yours.

anita