Dear Farnaz:

As I read the beginning of your post: “thank you for your kind… accurate (words)… give you a hug.. but“- I felt good about you saying that my words/ my understanding was accurate. When I read the “but“- I felt as if you were about to tell me how I was NOT accurate, take away your compliment about my words being accurate, and that you were going to take away the virtual hug. It was as if the idea that my words can be accurate and appreciated as such is … too good to be true. Whatever I said to my mother (as a teenager) when I tried to bring things to her attention so to improve HER life (and our relationship)- she rejected as INACCURATE. She was vicious in how far she went to “prove” that I was Wrong, Wrong… and again, Wrong.  And so, I expected you to do what my mother did. This is what I mean by projection.

I kept reading, and to my pleasant surprise, your “but” was about sharing about signing a lease on an apartment and moving out from the house where you once lived with both parents: C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !!!

“It’s exciting and sad at the same time, but more exciting. I feel this is the end of an era… I think the change of place can truly help me“- The End of an Era. I like that, and I can see how the move will indeed help you!

“I hope you are having a good day too“- interestingly, I had a very good day yesterday because the weather was the nicest it has been in a long, long time, and I took a long, brisk walk under the bright, warm sun.

“She was very critical, as you can imagine, and close minded, I couldn’t be honest with her, I didn’t talk about stuff that happened to me because even though maybe she didn’t blame me in that moment, she would use it against me later FOR SURE“- when my mother started a Rage Attack, she brought up everything I allegedly did wrong from the beginning of time, so to prove that I was indeed Wrong, Wrong… and again, Wrong. In general, I remember her talking A LOT (to her sisters/ others, mostly on the phone, and to me as an audience, her talks were monologues). Even if I wanted to talk, there was no space for my talk, and she never asked me questions about my thoughts and my feelings, not that I remember.

“She was educated and she put so much pressure on us to study and once she called my sister a slut because she had a bad grade“- my mother used that word too, in regard to other women, including in regard to my younger sister, when my sister was a teenager, repeatedly. And she greatly elaborated on that word for humiliation purposes.

“My brother…  I’m truly disappointed that he is closedminded and never listens to anyone, and he is lazy and unmotivated“- are you also disappointed and angry at him for being like your mother was: closedminded, never listening to you? And for being unmotivated to.. open his mind and truly listen to you?

“I know part of her rejecting me is actually not approving herself as good mother, I can only guess that applies to your mother too“- I didn’t quite understand this sentence. Can you explain it to me?

“But we don’t need their apology or acceptance anymore, do we?… we don’t need them to acknowledge that they were wrong“- better not need what you never got and never going to get (an apology that includes a sincere awareness and admission of them having been wrong for so very long).

“Have  you tried to talk to your mom about how she made you feel?“- yes, I did try to talk to her many, many.. many times, but she attacked me when I did, again and again… and yet again. My mother is constitutionally unable to look into herself and do so honestly . She used to literally cut off (in photographs) her head off. I remember being young, going over a photo album, photos of her family..  but her head was cut off in almost every picture, if not in every picture. I remember I asked her why, and she said that she is ugly. My mother would rather cut her head off than examine it.

“Or maybe you wrote about it to yourself?“- I did a lot of that, in diaries, which unfortunately she read and was angry, of course.

“And how did you feel after your own anger exercise here last time“- I felt a tingling sensation in my chest area and a surge of optimistic energy.

anita