Dear Farnaz:

Our experiences really are similar. In my daily communication with thousands of members since May 2015, it happened only twice before that I came across members whose mothers resembled my own so much: you are the third.

“I agree with you , I think my mom might had  BPD and a little bit of narcissism“- most often a person who fits the diagnosis of one personality disorder, also fits symptoms of other personality disorders. My mother: primarily Borderline and Histrionic.

“She also had experienced trauma from the past“- it takes serious trauma to lead to a person fitting the requirements of a personality disorder. My mother’s trauma included the death of her mother at an early age, an alcoholic abusive father, a sadistic older sister, an orphanage-like institution and more. Very sad. My trauma: … my mother.

“As my brother who refuses the therapy at all costs. It is sad and the only way I can see to handle that is distancing myself . I tried to help him but it’s pointless“- to get to and stay in therapy, a person has to be able and willing to risk being wrong about something. Otherwise, there is no fixing or correcting faulty thinking, which is what much of therapy is about.

“I read about BPD when I was diagnosed myself, that people with the disorder feel empty inside and try to preoccupy themselves with others’ attention, even if it’s negative. I feel they just want to influence people no matter in positive or negative ways“- they want power and. My mother wanted power over me because she felt too powerless otherwise.  I was her opportunity to feel powerful and it was exhilarating for her.

“You couldn’t be gentle enough, you weren’t supposed to even think they can be wrong, and I think it’s their strategy to silence any criticism with exaggerated anger to have an upper hand all the time“- I couldn’t have said it better. This very sentence that I quoted here makes me feel that you understand what I went through more than any person ever did.

“I was so closed off to people , honestly I still am but much less… I’m curious about your friendships from childhood till now, did you have problem having good friends. I know finding a good friend is hard but it’s much harder when you don’t feel safe in your home with your mom“- in elementary school, I think it was, a girl from my class visited me, but like anyone and everyone present in the apartment where I lived with my mother, she- my mother- would take center stage and talk with the guest exclusively (including with a child my age, at the time), and I would be on the side, a non-entity. In high school, I visited a girl from my class who told me that she was my friend and she meant it (it was exciting!). One evening, my mother was angry that I wasn’t home for a meal she prepared for me, so she walked to that girl’s apartment building, found us talking outside and walked me back to the apartment kicking and pushing me along (with her feet and hands), for a faster walk. The girl walked along, watching and hearing my mother insulting me. Sometime later, that same girl was angry at me in class and loudly said in front of everyone: I did you a FAVOR being your friend!

anita