Dear Lindsay:

I will retell your story in chronological order, best I can, using quotes, because it helps me understand better: this man, who is a public figure in the small town where you live, a man who enjoyed a good reputation (“very well-liked and respected by the community“), was married for about 12 years when he became friends with a married co-worker in his part-time job. The two started an emotional affair about 16 years into his marriage, and a physical affair about the time he separated from his wife, 17 years into the marriage.

He ended the physical affair about a year after it started because he was caught and his good public reputation suffered (“he started communicating with her outside of work about a month prior to being caught. Her husband saw the messages and went public right away“)

At about the same time that he ended the affair, he started dating you. The two of you dated for 5 months when you found out about the past affair and the two of you broke up. A week later, he told you that he wanted to be with you and he agreed that he needed to find a new part-time job. You got back together, he indeed found a new part-time job, but a month into the reunion, you found out that he was still communicating with the married woman via text.

“He said he didn’t want to be with her and he chose me, but he is always going to care about her and respond if she reaches out…  she is still in his head…. says that he needs to figure out why he still hangs on to that relationship…  He will tell me that he knows I am the ‘best, smartest, easiest choice’.. because there will be no conflict or drama with kids or exes… But, he says that he never got to be with her ‘for real’ and is afraid he will always wonder ‘what if’. He has a genuine desire to be with each of us and can’t figure out how to sort it out on his own without doing serious damage to either me or her”-

-wait, isn’t the married woman still married, and isn’t he concerned about doing some serious damage to her husband or to her children, if she has any?

anita