Dear Purple:

You are welcome! The company you worked for reads like a company from hell.

“Being a ‘team-player’ in my company meant“- it meant having one’s soul sucked out by abuse, didn’t it?

“I was also forced to share my personal details like info about my family and my then boyfriend“- a workplace does not own any rights for such personal information!

“I was growing exhausted by all this… when I reached my limits, I lashed back… with small insults towards them…Did I deserve to be treated this way even if I made some unintentional mistakes but immediately apologized for them?“- you were a victim in the context of this company. There is an unrealistic expectations that people have- when looking back at times when they were victimized- that they should have been Perfect Victims: zero aggressive behaviors on their part. This is an unrealistic expectation because hurt people automatically and instinctively react, sooner or later, with some form of aggression (minimally by raising the volume of one’s voice and tensing the facial muscles, appearing threatening). It is not human- nor is it humane- to take ongoing abuse quietly, nicely.. and forevermore.

“One of the bullies… his response was, ‘If we treat everyone well and not you, then you must be in the wrong’“- what he said was wrong. I am guessing that he knew that what he said was wrong, but he said it anyway because it was convenient for him to say it.

“All this made me enter into this never ending guilt-trap of constantly feeling that I did something wrong and always wondering what I did wrong. I lost my self-esteem, was burdened with intense guilt, always walked on egg shells around them.. it was a one against a group situation“-

–two row times/group bullying in the workplace cause significant long-term health impacts: “In its worst forms, group bullying — also known as ‘mobbing’, can have devastating long-term health impacts on targeted victims and organizations. What is mobbing? Mobbing is very aggressive form of bullying — where a targeted individual will be bullied by a group of people. Often times the group will have a mobbing ringleader who is the primary aggressor of the bullying mission… People who have been targeted by mobbing have described it as a campaign of terrorism, or toxic work environment where they feel ganged up on… Mobbing tactics can vary but they include a long list of behaviours: dehumanize a person to embarrass, diminish, humiliate, mischaracterize, and intimidate the targeted person. Verbal aggression includes the way a person is spoken to with an aggressive or dismissive tone, subject to insults or sarcastic comments…  Gossip and slander can occur where ringleaders are initiating malicious rumours or untrue stories… Mobbing has one goal: to remove the targeted person from expressing an opinion or talent outside of what the mob ringleaders will allow… Mob ringleaders will dominate the work environment either by silencing diversity or pushing targeted individuals out of the organization because of maltreatment..”.

“I also have this fear that if something ever happens in the future, my perspective will never be heard by anyone and no one would be on my side“- when considering future employment in any company, check if they have an established policy in regard to workplace bullying.

“So, please tell me, was I not bullied? .. Do I deserve to live constantly feeling guilty and not knowing why? Don’t I deserve to lead a happy and confident life?“- you were bullied, you do not deserve to feel guilty, and you deserve as happy and as confident a life as you can have!

In the resource I quoted from, it says that PTSD is one of the long-term impacts resulting from workplace mobbing. In your very first sentence, in your original post, you mentioned flashbacks in regard to the workplace bullying (“I’m having a very hard time dealing with a sudden flashback“). Did you seek professional help on the matter?

anita