Dear frozenfireflies:

“When something (or rather, me) gets on his nerves, he tends to lash out without much warning… He says he gives warning signals“- it is not okay for him to lash out at you (or at his children or at anyone else) with or without warning, no matter how stressed he is. He will need to STOP lashing out, to stop automatically reacting this way, and instead, to pause and respond differently.

“He feels he doesn’t get enough time to practice basic self-care“- he’ll need to find the time.

“It’s also very often something ABOUT me or how I express myself, like that I’m too stressed or heightened and triggering him, even though my stress has nothing to do with him – sometimes I just have intense emotions about something we discuss… I do sometimes feel like I’m a bit highly strong and nervous… Neither of us have laidback personalities“- on your part, you will need to keep yourself as calm as possible and/ or to appear as calm as possible when you are around him, because your heightened stress exacerbates his (and the other way around). I don’t mean that you should walk-on-eggshells, as the saying goes, but practice reasonable self-control over the expressions of your intense emotions, nervousness and heightened stress. He needs to do the same.

“I miss proper affection and intimacy in our live“- one thing at a time, I say: first, attend to what I mentioned above. The STESS LEVEL between the two of you has to significantly come down (freeze that fire, so to speak, frozen fire flies), only then there will be a space for affection and intimacy.

Please let me know what you think of my reply, and if you would like, we can talk further.

anita