Dear Farnaz:

A medical doctor: I always had the outmost respect for the profession! I failed entrance exams to a medical school and I am glad that I did because my chronic severe inattention to details would have gotten a patient killed if I was a practicing doctor and I don’t know if I could have lived with- or want to live with such guilt.

“Forcing the women in family to wear scarf… limiting socializing outside“- Only the Jewish orthodox women cover their heads (the Ashkenazi orthodox women shave their heads.. so to not be attractive to men).

“there is an old saying in my pop culture, the man can have all kinds of fun with any women he wants, but ultimately he marries a virgin, as you guess that doesn’t apply to women“- I grew up with this saying, this very mentality!

“I was  curious about your nationality… because of all animosity between Iran and Israel or what they want us to be, I think there are more similarities between Islam and your religion than with Christianity“- I was afraid that you will not want to speak to me anymore because of the animosity you mentioned.

Oh my goodness, you speak French and I understood part of what you typed (I spoke simple French before I was 6, then continued to hear conversational French spoken a lot and understood, but it’s been a long time since): you wrote- and correct me where I am wrong- that you speak French a little too, that it’s been a long time since you spoke French, and you forgot a lot, plus it is very difficult to type in French because of (keyboard difficulties).

“some relationships are doomed from the beginning , the way they started, I mean.. I’m gonna share my experience with the guy, I’m glad you asked but honestly, I fear you judge me“- I didn’t read the story yet (I read part of your post, reply, then read the next, etc., it feels like having a real-life conversation this way!)), but I promise, I will not judge you!… Please go on…

“I was working in a heart hospital for a short time.. as a gp under supervision of the residents… One of those were a guy who was tall, handsome and smart, apparently he scored highest in board exam, even better than those residents with more years of education. He was really nasty to me, but I could say he was checking me out whenever he had a chance… after a while we got along , he changed his attitude completely and in one or 2 occasions , we were both awake through the night talking and laughing , because we were both on duty, I happened to like this guy, he seemed to be genuinely interested in me, he was asking about my likes and dislikes and I asked him too, and we had a lot to talk about, but after both nights before the morning meeting when I was gathering the result of new tests, he was completely changed, he ignored me completely, that was weird... Four months after, I accidently met him in another hospital, we were talking and he had to go, so he said he is going to message me. No message after 3 months. My dad got sick… I called him… he called me dear, azizam in our language… he asked… would you come over to my place to have s##, I refused, I told him before that’s not my style, he was persistent and pushy and I said I want to see you in public place before, he was like, but we know each other.. he was very annoyed… he convinced me to have a s^^ video chat with him and he got satisfied, and he hung up immediately, after a while, a few days I contacted him, he said he is not available, he had a repair man in his flat to fix the washing machine, yessss he wanted me at his home, and I was pissed…and he didn`t care to message me, i was so pissed, heart less, it was like he wanted me to hurt more… just let me know how do you think about this guy?”

– since I have the.. (non) privilege of growing up with this mentality and coming across these men many times, I can easily and confidently explain it: when you talked to him during those two nights (the boldfaced above), when sex was not a possibility for him, being that he was working and he didn’t want to be caught having sex in the workplace- you got a glimpse of who he is as a person, and  the two of you were two people having an honest exchange. Easy to fall in love with that person, so you’d think that this decent human connection can continue.. you want it to continue, excited about it perhaps… that’s on your side.

On his side, as a man, he is able to compartmentalize so well.. His ability to compartmentalize would be admirable, if you threw the ethics out of it: he can genuinely be this honest, decent person and in an instant, he places this part of him away and he is genuinely… not concerned about any of it. You can think of this compartmentalizing as dissociation. He can dissociate from the human in him- when it comes to women- in an instant.

During those two nights he was a person. Afterwards, he was (to put it bluntly, because I have no other way to make it clear) a penis that needs stimulation and satisfaction. He is able to do this compartmentalization because he grew up- and adopted- the mentality that women are sub-humans, and it is therefore ethically and morally okay to see them as sexual objects and nothing more, with an added complexity: it is okay to see women as sub-human IF they succumb to the man’s pressure to have sex, or choose to have sex otherwise. (If she resists all pressures and is a virgin at the wedding night, then she is elevated to.. an upper category, not one that is equal to men’s but a superior one to the sexual object category).

Within this mentality, some.. “nice” men will wine-and-dine a woman with the expectation of having sex, but many men, particularly if they are considered attractive and desirable, and if they are busy (like the man you described), and/ or they don’t want to spend the money, for the sake of convenience and expediency, will forgo the wining-and-dining part.

The man you described had no problems ignoring you after he got satisfied because… well, it is not different from a hungry man having had a full meal, ignoring an offer for second meal right away. Not that you offered him a second meal, but in his mind, this is WHAT you are, a meal to be had when hungry. Of course, for the considered-attractive men, there are plenty of meals offered, so when hungry, they feed on what is available right there and then.

This mentality and these kinds of men ruined a lot for me… disgusting, and it is a human-woman tragedy on a global scale.

anita