Dear Sara:

“My boyfriend.. is a great guy. Emotionally available. Kind. Caring… This is the first happy healthy relationship I’ve had“- excellent!

“I do have social anxiety… He has said things that have embarrassed/mortified me in front of his family/friends. One of them asked if I was going to their party… My bf answered for me. Didn’t even let me answer. He said ‘No, she’s too scared.’ I was mortified. That’s not something I want known.. his friends (are) nice enough“- if it wasn’t for you feeling mortified, the answer he volunteered wouldn’t have been a bad thing because what he said was true, and because your social anxiety/ reaction to his friends should- in a supportive environment (and it seems that it is, since his friends are nice enough)- be known, for the purpose of figuring it out and resolving it.

Your boyfriend may have tried to help you when he answered for you;  maybe he hoped that his friends will help you feel better, if they knew about your difficulty.

“He knows how upset I was and felt really bad. He said he’s not good at social stuff sometimes. And it’s not something that would have bothered him and he was trying to be funny“- like I wrote to you yesterday, no one is perfect and no one acts perfectly at all times, so you have to give your boyfriend some leeway.

“I just could not believe he didn’t realize this would hurt me… I don’t know if I can change years of trauma, anxiety“- if there is no healing of significance from your years of trauma, then you will continue to feel hurt no matter what your boyfriend says- or doesn’t say… even if he was as close to perfect as humanly possible!

“I also don’t want to hang out with his friends right now. There’s something about it that makes me sad. And anxious. And put off… I’ve cried before mtg his friends. They’re nice enough. But it’s not for me. I want my own friends“- the something about it that makes you sad may be that being with your boyfriend and his friends causes you to re-experience the acute alone-ness and loneliness of your life, and maybe you feel kind of jealous, envious of their closeness to each other. Do you think there is truth to this?

anita