Dear Anita

I’m starting work soon so I’ve got about half an hour now. Thanks for your response, and taking the time to read what I wrote in detail. It is not easy to find someone like you who have the patience to learn about what I m thinking, and giving me guidance on how to avoid reliving the childhood traumas.

To respond to your posts,

1) Yes I am keen to learn more about management, and I see how the issues that we’re facing now, can be resolved using a systematic approach. But I don’t think I’m there yet. For me, recognizing the issues, and thinking about what could be done to address the issues, provide an opportunity for me to learn something on the job. So even though it might never come into reality, the fact that I did consider different strategies to make things work, helps me to see what the problems are in our workplace, which I think will enable me to function better in this environment, as I know what we do well and areas that need to be improved. For me, having the chance to be promoted to a store manager is something that I am dreaming of, as I am really motivated by sales, and to see my visions come to life will be such an amazing thing to do. That being said, stepping into management will also mean that I have less chance to keep doing what I’m doing (i.e. actually selling things, and talking to customers, and learning more about them), and my partner is in middle management (and he is an excellent leader), so I see the skills that are required to manage a team effectively. To me, I don’t mind stepping up if I need to, but in reality, I think I would be more suited to a lower level sales position, where I can most fully utilize my strengths. It is a useful exercise to envisage what I think can be good for the team. So I see that there are still things to work on, and it makes me feel more positive about work.

2) Thank you for pointing out what my traumas are, and I really appreciate you telling me what the “wolves” are, that I might not be able to recognize yet. I have always wanted someone to say straight to my face, even if it is a criticism as long as it is constructive, I can happily take it and work on it.

I get what you mean. The comment that strikes me the most is that you have mentioned how I would see someone as good or bad depending on whether it has triggered my childhood experiences. (Isn’t it true for everyone?)

I’m facing a dilemma here. So you know how some people appear to be happy, when deep down they’re really sad, so what we convey through our facial expressions is somehow opposite to how we’re feeling? I think it is true to some extent.

So for me, I am often described as calm, intelligent, kind, and creative. I put calm first, it is what I hear the most especially with regard to dealing with stressful situations (even if I am scrambling inside).

So if I feel calm inside then it it is more likely to project the feeling of stress towards others, if it makes any sense. Because if I internalize the things that I hold closest to me, often the things that I don’t want will be what I leave to the people on the outside. So the reason why I can appear cool and calm is that I can deal with the issues myself, that is what I’m proud of, but if I do the opposite, it doesn’t feel like me anymore, and even if I stress less, I think it is not who I want to be?

Also I will try to recognize the patterns of bad thoughts, though I think it still takes the right time and place for the good seeds to grow. I cannot be stuck in a bad place and expect the good things to come. It has to do with my thought patterns, as you said, but realistically, if it is not the right place to use my skills, or it is not something that makes me feel good, I have every right to make decisions that I think are best for me.

I think with more experience, it will be easier for me to move somewhere else, and there is a better chance that I will be able to find a company that I really like.

I think sometimes to deal with negative patterns, it is a best to leave it, instead of delving into it and figuring out why it is or is not the case. I do that all the time, I try to see what is wrong, and I end up overthinking things. I think it is an important step to try to figure things out.

But I am also thinking that it might be wise to not swallow the poisons, and spew it out once I know it is poisonous, so I can go and find something nutritious to eat.

Not too sure if it makes sense. I will have to think about it during my break time or after work.

Thank you, hope you have a wonderful day