Dear Katerine Nielsen:

Thank you for your holiday wishes! I didn’t tell you this before, but will you be surprised to know that my birthday happens to be on the very same day as yours? And similar to you, year after year, I was sad that the whole world was celebrating my birthday.. except for me (lonely and alone). When I am asked about my birthday, I no longer share on what day it is. (At one point along the way, I decided that I no longer recognize my birthday to be on that particular day).

You wrote that you will be spending only a few days at home for Christmas/ New Year’s, and that you wish to not spend those days dysregulated and anxious, and that instead, you want to have a good time and enjoy the holidays. Here is what I suggest: plan your visit well, plan the following: (1) what topics you will bring up, and what topics you will not bring up, (2) list possible behaviors by any one of your family members (what they might say and/ or do, or fail to say and do, based on what they said and did in the past), and for each possibility, state exactly how you will respond (what you will say and do, if anything), (3) list a few things for you to do when you find yourself dysregulated during the visit, for example: go for a brisk walk outside, make yourself a hot bath and soak in it, post on tiny buddha, etc. When you are with your family visiting and you feel dysregulated, look at your list and choose one of the things, according to what is available (given weather, time of the day, and other circumstances), (4) Have with you at all times, during your visit, a small toy animal, or some furry or otherwise comforting object. When you feel dysregulated during the visit, or when you feel the beginning of elevated anxiety, touch or pet the object and repeat a relaxing mantra to yourself, for example: I am calm and regulated.

The more prepared you are, the better your visit is likely to be!

anita