Dear Natie:

In your original post on this thread, on Dec 21, 2022, you wrote: ” I have hurt so many people two years ago. I have apologised, but I still get the feeling often times that it wasn’t enough. I am thinking about writing an apology letter to my ex, to the friends I have hurt and everyone I have done wrong really”.

A year and a half ago, on July 2, 2021, you wrote (in your thread I Think I’m the devil in this relationship): “Dear Anita..  Yes you are right, I am the eldest child and so if I got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and I felt like I had to write a letter to her to apologise, or when my siblings were growing up, I was always up till now, uptight and worried that if they stayed out all night, they will cause problems at home, so I kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if I didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents”.

In regard to your ex-boyfriend, in your mind he was not a man, but a child (“it felt like I’m his mom, which I guess I had no problem with at first, but then I hated it” (June 16, 2021). And it seems to me that you wanted out of the relationship with him for a long time, that you wanted to break up with him, but you felt too conflicted and too guilty to break up with him, so you went about it indirectly: after you cheated on him, you told him about it repeatedly, hoping that he will break up with you:  “When I cheated, I immediately confronted my boyfriend..  I wanted him to feel angry at me… I even told him I don’t think u understand how ugly my actions were, and I repeated what I had done to him with complete honesty multiple times, and yet he was like I forgive you“, June 16, 2021.

I will write a bit more about this tomorrow. You are welcome to reply before I post again, or wait for my next post, or let me know if you prefer that I don’t continue my train of thought. I do wish you the best, Natie, hoping that you find relief from your unfortunate, long-term painful guilt.

anita